The Boys of Summer tighten the spectrum of their play and finish 6th in MGA State Team Low Net Championship

F. Joel Goldstrand

No problem, glad to help read this net bogie putt.  By the way, I'm already in for par.

Anxiously heading to next tee to see what surprises await. 

Spectrum.  Webster's Dictionary defines it as "a continuous sequence or range".  That single word sums up what this scribe witnessed in Nisswa this week at the 25th playing of the State Net Team Championship.  

I'll try my best to recap the efforts of the curious group, but realize dear readers that I'm working through a mild case of Post Traumatic Stress after what I witnessed while hiding among the Birch Trees at the Preserve and The Pines.  The only way to give you a sense of my stress, I must walk you through a daily recap.

Day One, Labor Day. Practice Round at the Pines.

Our boys hit the links on a blustery day with winds at 15 mph. to get a sense of the course for the upcoming tournament.  Goals for the day varied depending on the competitor involved but all wanted to get a feel for the green speeds which were really running fast as the MGA took a page from the USGA and did not want to see the scores of past years repeated. 

Panda was ensuring the recent addition of a 1 iron met his expectations to comfortably maneuver his tee ball around the extremely shortened set up that rendered his driver useless on most of the holes. Mission accomplished for the Bamboo'ed one as he ripped bullet after bullet down the middle.  

Ferret used his practice round to purge the demons of past championships as it related to his angst at hitting a tee shot on this heavily wooded expanse.  In years past, the poor lad looked like a GI in an LCT heading to Omaha Beach. Face taut, fingers twitching, sweat beading on his upper lip, praying to his god to give him the strength to do his job and not shit his pants when the draw gate came open. Mission accomplished.  The scurrying one purged his demons and realized the fairways were not mined and could be used. 

Jackal had two goals that he was able to accomplish.  One; find a tee ball that would stay straight and not run through the dog legs and two; convince his playing partner (Ferret) that he would not stab him in the eye if he had a bad stretch of holes..

Sloth had the most curious of approaches to a practice round this writer has ever seen.  Aside from an occasional second tee ball to check out a different angle or club, Sloth, veteran of most any manner of scramble tournaments ever concocted, used his afternoon to grind on achieving his best personal score of the summer.  Mission accomplished!  Finishing the 18th alone in a thunder and lightening storm to post his 79.   He should have called an Uber, headed back to the Cities and called it a day. More on that later.  

After the round the fellas headed back to the cabin to refresh themselves with food and drink.  Ah the first night.  When these boys head up north,the first night is very akin to the first shot fired in battle. You know the old saying "All the Generals plans go out the window when the first shot is fired." Nothing could be more true about these middle aged goons when they don't have to drive, there are no wives around and no bar tender to cut them off.  Holy God!   Next year I'm buying grain stocks at the Chicago Exchange before these clowns head off to Nisswa.  Last time this writer saw this much booze poured was at a Croatian wedding in Allen Town with 400 steal workers in attendance.  

Day Two; first round at the Preserve

Thank goodness for a late morning tee time as it gave the boys time for a morning sober up.  Shaking off the effects of the wedding reception reenactment the night before was no small feat for the Jackal and Ferret.  All morning and through the front nine Jackal acted like he had drank a bottle of Go Lightly the night before as he was purging his ass every 10 minutes as if getting cleaned out for a Colonoscopy procedure.

Ferret was having trouble marking his ball on the green due to his hand shaking like an Epilepsy sufferer.  Thank goodness he only had to use his mark three times on the front side as he decided to recuperate in the cart as the Jackal finished the first 7 holes, clenched butt cheeks and all.

The two tribal elders soldered on and the Ferret found his game for stretches and contributed on 5 critical holes during play.  Once his hands stopped shaking he was able to put repeated back to back swings on the ball without eliminating a yard of sod and make some very slippery putts.  Can you say GAMER.

Panda and Sloth had no such physical maladies to wade through on day one as they acted as if they had consumed nothing but spring water with lemon wedges the night before.  It also helps that they are both reincarnated Croatian steal workers from Pennsylvania. 

One would have thought then, that the score they shot would have been much lower.  "they" is the operative word. For in a 4 ball stroke play event both players must work together, pick each other up and often be on at the same run to maximize results.  Remember my suggestion earlier of the Uber rental following a record score?  Apparently Sloth mistook my advice and thought I meant the cart he rode in was the Uber and his partner (Panda) was the rented driver. Contributing a mighty 3 holes, the Sloth was unable to duplicate or even come close to his Hoganesque  ball striking of the previous day   

His performance didn't seem to upset the Panda if you overlook the fact that at the turn he ran into the clubhouse to see if any of the staff members were carrying heat and would accept a crisp hundo to put two in the back of the Sloth's head.

Day 2 final round at The Pines

Starting their day tied for 11th and 6 shots off the lead, the boys needed everyone to step up and play solid golf for 18 holes.  Nothing spectacular was needed to catch the leaders, just solid, keep the ball in front of you, make a few putts golf.  

Knowing this, the fellas took it easier the night before and got a decent nights sleep.  Arriving at the course ready to cast out their demons from the previous day, Ferret and Sloth sought the help of a local Chippewa Medicine Man who performed a Native Ritual involving burning Sage and tribal chanting......he should have called them an Uber.

Fresh off their ritual, and determined to recreate the golf they had played in recent months, the "Skittish One" and "He Who Must Hole Out Regardless" performed the golfing version of taking down their pants and pooping in the fairway!  By the 7 hole Panda was calling Gander Mountain to see if they could meet him at the turn with a fully loaded 12 gauge and Jackal was looking for the nearest trash can in which to toss the Ferret's irons.  

If you want to get a sense of how disturbing this was to witness, read all of Steven Kings novels in succession while listening to the entire library of Warren Zevon.!!  These two could just as well have of been using old Feathery's  and hickory shafts instead of the custom fitted, custom grind clubs they were abusing.  Titleist and Ping stocks fell 10 points on the exchange and if was rumored that the Titleist and Ping equipment reps are trying to line up deals for these guys to play Callaways next year. 

Somehow through the carnage these guys were able to muscle up on enough holes to avoid Panda's marksmanship and Jackal's recycling effort to help the team score 5 under and finish 6th.  8 shots behind the winners.  That means the boys were a  mere 8 less chunks, tops, sculls and mach III putts from winning.  It showed this writer that this team can and will win this silly thing one of these years.  

Never playing the game at the competitive level of these four but witnessing and writing about this venerable game for over 40 years, I can't help but wonder if what I saw between the rounds might have had something to do with their performance.  Re-enacting the Croatian wedding reception perhaps?....nah....that cannot be stopped.  To much adrenaline.  I did notice however an extraordinary preoccupation with food. As in; let's see who can win the title of top chef.  

Now this writer is not going to pooh pooh great food.  Far from it, as my battle with a spare tire will attest, but it seems to me that if the fellas worried less about becoming the next Bobby Flay and worrying more about becoming the next Bobby Clampett, their chances of winning would rise proportionately.  I pulled 'old grump' (re; Jackal) to the side during day one after his 10th poop and asked him about all the dicing, mincing, flambeing and sauteing.  "I'd be good with Dinty Moore and less X's on the card."  Well said you old curmudgeon. 

Well dear readers, I will leave you with my final thought after watching the performance of the PanJack Tour at the 25th State Team Low Net.  SPECTRUM.  Yes, these four are on it.  

Watch for my new book coming out sometime in 2018:  

Fairways and Greens, god I wish we could hit them.
A year on the PanJack Tour

The Tour Marches On

PanJack Chronicle

By F. Joel Goldstrand

Folks, it has been quite some time since this intrepid old scribe has sat down to a keyboard to convey the veritable smorgasbord of follies by the intrepid players on the, once proud, PanJack Tour. 

While the tour disbanded due to lack of fan interest several years ago, the boys of summer have moved ahead with their games, goals of golfing immortality and as ever, their unique approach to this ancient game. 

Since the tour left the wide-open vistas of Fox Hollow the fellas found a new home at St. Paul’s Highland National.  For those of you unfamiliar with the venerable old links, is was re-designed ten years ago, and provides a fair test of golf with many trees, some water and most importantly a nod to its heritage during World War II.  It was during the run-up to the war in Europe that Joint Chief Marshall commissioned the grounds of Highland for tank training. 

In a nod to that historic time, the designers of the course ensured that the teeing grounds and fairways remained in the same condition as our brave troops left it, following countless hours of tank tracks grinding on the soil and troops heaving grenades where now stand putting greens. 

This is where our beloved tour has taken their games to new levels. They play in something called the Bucci Game, where small sums of money are wagered and where the winning team is crowned by an ancient golf ritual based upon who has the most sandbaggers in their foursome and how many 4 foot putts are given.  Our men, who try to adhere to the spirit of the game, tend to come out on the short side of these so-called competitions. 

While our boys avoid major competitions at the club such as the Club Championship and various big payout tournaments (due to the dubious scoring and 5 plus hour rounds), they have found other more exhilarating competitions around the state.  They play in various MPGA tournaments and for the past two years have pointed to the MGA Team Low Net as their seminal event.  The Team Low Net is played at the Pines and Preserve each Labor Day and the fellas are making a  third try this year to capture the Crystal. 

It is now time to stop stalling and give you readers what you have been thirsting for; an update on the PanJack players, what has changed since we last visited them and their plans for the upcoming Championship.

Panda:

Since we last saw the Big Bear much has changed.   He is now over 40 and starting to wonder where the MPGA Seniors is going to be played in 8 years.  He has made minor adjustments to his equipment by adding a 5 Wood and Hybrids and eschewing his beloved 2 and 3 irons.   He removed his Srixon Driver.  Yes, that Srixon Driver.  The one that flew high and straight and hit 14 out of 14 fairways on a regular basis.  He wanted a different ball flight and more yards.  He now has achieved that goal but not before going through an entire season last year with the wrong set up for his desired results.  He fixed the problem this year by (actually) reading the 25-page instruction book that came with the club rather than grabbing his wrench and wildly turning the 75 adjustment points that have been designed into the weapon.

Beyond equipment the Panda has also fallen in love with the Data Analytics craze that has gripped every sport since Billy Beane wrote Money Ball.  Using his new-found love of data, Panda has carefully gone through every hole the team has played in the last two tournaments and the results are quite simply staggering.  Or at least to the Fury One that is.  After carefully analyzing the team pairings, the data shows that the pairings of Jackal-Sloth, Panda-Ferret, Panda-Jackal and Ferret-Sloth do not give the boys a sporting chance to compete. 

Hence, this year, the pairings will be Panda-Sloth and Ferret Jackal.  Some have a different reasoning for switching the pairings this year.  In the words of the Sloth; “Wow, Panda’s analysis is fascinating.  I was quite surprised that the data showed we played shitty with these pairings.  I feel so dumb.  I was judging our performance on the mere fact that we finished 20 shots out of the money both years.”

With all 75 bolts and screws tightened on his driver and the confidence in the data, our Panda is ready to attack this year and lead the team to victory.

Sloth:

Since the Fox Hollow days, much has changed and much hasn’t.  He can be called the Slow-One no more.  His pace of play now is downright Lanny Wadkins like.  The transformation can be attributed to steady pay and more regular stroke play golf.   The Sloth is now a single digit handicapper.  Transforming his game with new irons, woods, hybrids and wedges.  All of them are Titleist to go along with his Titleist bag and Titleist balls.  No, he is not being paid by Titleist.  He is only hoping a Titleist rep will spot him one day and ask him to play in the company scramble.  One thing that has not changed, Sloth “Scrambles” more than a fleet of fighter jets during an air raid. 

He has, however added stroke play competition to his schedule, playing in the MPGA Seniors and this year competing with Highland’s 16-man team.  These competitions have shown the Sloth that results are everything.  Fans no longer hear; “I really caught that on the face” as the orb sails 20 yard left of target.  He has become a green hitting machine and his wedge game has improved considerably since he has traded his stab and pray stroke around the green with various deftly executed shots.  In a word, the slow one has become a “playaaaa”  and is poised to join his new partner Panda and bring home the gold.     

Jackal:

The Feisty One still has spunk but my god has he gotten old.  Teetering on the edge of “Ceremonial Golfer” and considering an invitation from Hollis Cavnar to play in a 3M Senior Tour exhibition, Jackal stills hopes for that magic to hit for one weekend.

 What hasn’t changed is his Palmeresque love of golf clubs.  Since we last saw the Wiley One, he cast off his blades, spent untold sums on custom irons, cast those aside for a set of Pings, went back to his custom set and now?............playing blades from the bargain bin at 2^nd Swing…….Whew……..Watching him go through equipment changes is as head-spinning as trying to keep up with the costume changes at a Lady Gaga concert.  Tour members are keeping him away from all golf publications and have hired armed guards to patrol 2^nd Swings parking lot to keep the old man from making any changes until the season is over.  Good luck fellas. 

Ferret:

The Fury One has become a father of two active Ferrets who enjoy all the activities of youth.  As such, his schedule usually starts in mid-to late June when Little League Baseball winds down.  He coaches and his specialty is teaching the kids to throw the pea with velocity and a downward sink.  This explains his continued malady of beginning his downswing with a violent jerk, as if trying to blow a fastball by a hitter on a 3-2 count. 

Baseball has had one great impact on the Ferret’s game.   He committed to a set of Pings last year and in doing so, sold off all his clubs in his used equipment room.  This has provided him the funds to buy a family pack of Twins season tickets and made room in the basement for a rec-room and indoor swimming pool. 

His game has stayed consistent.  It still has that; don’t leave your seat because anything can happen, quality to it.  He can out-drive the Panda right down the sprinkler line.   Hit a hosel-rocket into a tree.  Hit his recovery to 8 feet then three putt for a six at any moment. 

Still a fan favorite he brings that “I got this shot” attitude no matter the circumstances.  If the PanJack Tour wins the MGA Championship, you can bet the Ferret will be the Man of the Match. 

There you have it dear readers.   The boys have been busy and it has been far too long since we looked in on them.   I may mosey up to Brainerd and file a report.  Stay tuned.

“Oh God, I’m on the tee. Think, think. What did that swing tip article say again? Was it Pronate, Supanate, or Defecate? Damn, I can’t quite seem to remember……why is my hand shaking…..make it stop…..crap, I can’t get this tee in the ground…..my hand is shaking so bad I could pleasure a small rodent……ok good got the tee in the ground……crap, the ball just fell off the damn thing!!!!”


(Inside the brain of the Ferret as he was on the first tee)



And so gentle readers, the reunion of the PanJack Tour had begun. On a beautiful Saturday at Greenhaven Golf Club in Anoka, where this sporting track consists of seven different types of grass on the fairways, the boys of summer reunited after more than two years. The fans came out in great numbers to watch their favorite stars and see how they have changed since they last teed it up together.

The boys all looked a tad different since they were on the circuit: The Jackal, now fast approaching sixty, has more wrinkles than a Sharpe, the Ferret, looking ever the energetic young grandfather of two toddlers at home, the Panda and the Sloth, having not skipped a helping of mashed potatoes, with their new clothing sponsor, Johnsonville Sausage Company.

The format for the event was; Captain Oh My Captain, which involves a rotation off the tee with the first player choosing his partner for the hole. Points are awarded to the winner(s) of the hole and progresses much like a skins game. The winner was the Jackal, followed by the Sloth then Ferret and finally the Panda.

The order of finish was secondary to the fans today, as they were enjoying the thrills the players provided. Since we last saw them together, every single one of these idiots brought a new dimension to their games today.

The Jackal struck the ball fairly well all day but had the putting touch of an Iraqi War Veteran who had his hands blown off by an I.E.D., routinely jabbing putts 5-10 feet past the cup all day.

The Panda showed he hasn’t lost anything off the tee and has found nothing on the greens. Today he could not deal with the severely windy conditions and routinely came up short or alarmingly long with his approaches. Being the ever confident and cock sure player he is, he routinely complained about the B.S. yardages on the course even when staring at the Jackal’s new electronic distance measuring device.

The Sloth obviously found a swing off the tee that routinely had him in the fairway and quite a ways down it I might add. His slight pull-draw helps him release his hands and the results are astonishing. Even more astonishing is his inability to translate his excellent ball striking to his wedge game, which remains astonishingly reminiscent of Steven Hawking attempting to eat with a fork.

The Ferret’s game has changed dramatically. He has worked tirelessly (see reading and dreaming before falling asleep) on finally finding a swing which eliminates one side of the course. Unfortunately, it was the middle, rather than the left or right. The Skittish one did however provide the shot of the day with a 5 hybrid to a par 3 that almost flew into the hole for an ace and settled inches from the cup. As usual, he looked at his playing partners, and with a straight face, said; “I just tried to feather one in there.”

If the tour can get these guys together more often this summer, the fans of the PanJack will be the true winners.

Joel Goldstrand, Golf Digest Reporter Emeritus, reporting from Greenhaven.

May 19, 2012

PanJack Reunites!!!!

They’re Baaaaack!

PanJack Tour reunites at Greenhaven this Saturday after two year absence.

By F. Joel Goldstrand, Reporter Emeritus, Golf Digest
Date line: May 17, 2012



This upcoming Saturday the fabled and much maligned, mocked and ridiculed, PanJack Tour reunites for an exhibition round at the venerable Park-Land Classic Greenhaven in Anoka.

It has been over two years since our Boys of Summer have teed it up together and their fans are rushing to arrange transportation, from the assisted living and rehab facilities in the Twin Cities and surrounding areas, in order to attend.

I have spent the last week catching up with our intrepid foursome to find out what they have been up to the last two years and their thoughts on the reunion. I had the opportunity to sit down with the boys in the grill room following their joint press conference and had a lively conversation.


 You guys haven’t been together like this for over two years, how does it feel to see one another again?

Panda: I forgot how old these guys are.

Ferret: I had forgotten what a huge legend the Panda was in his own mind.

Sloth: What was the question again?, I lost you at ‘you guys haven’t been together in over two years’

Jackal: &!! #$%^^*&*this….where is the first tee?

Ok then, Panda, it was widely known that the tour broke up when you joined Windsong Farms. Are you still playing out there?

Panda: No

FJ: How come what happened?

Jackal: He refused to part with one of the rolls of nickels he has lodged up his ass!!

Panda: That’s not it you ass-clown! They had the audacity to raise the monthly dues by $100 after luring me in with absolutely no money up front……

In other words, they appealed to the Democrat hidden in you by offering you a free ride then treated you like a Republican by expecting you to pay your way?

Panda: Well ahh…yeah….I guess.

Ferret: He got yah on that one fur face.

Let’s turn to you now Sloth….wait where is he?

Ferret: He went to the bar, I’ll go get him.

Jackal, I understand your game has gone through quite a transformation since we last spoke. Who have you been working with and what have you been working on?

Jackal: I’ve been working with the bamboo eating smart ass sitting next to me.

What did he have you work on?

Jackal: Stop playing like I left my brain in the car when I am out on the course. It has worked for the most part.

Ferret: I found the sloth he will be here in a few minutes.

Thanks Ferret. We were just talking to the Jackal about what he has been doing with his game. What have you been working on during this long hiatus?

Ferret: Glad you asked Joel. I am proud to say I have read every single instruction article put out by Golf Digest and your competitor Golf Magazine (editors note: that is a total of 1,376 articles). I have been able to apply most of the swing thoughts by thinking of them when I go to sleep at night and when standing over most of my shots on the course during the round.

Panda: How has that worked out for ya?

Ferret: Shut up chubby.

Good to see you guys still have the love.

Jackal: Stick it, you inked stained wretch! This interview is B.S.

Ok then…Sloth, glad you could rejoin us. What have you been up to in your game these past two years?

Sloth: Working mostly on my wedge game as I haven’t had much time to play.

Are there specific drills you do?

Panda: Yeah…..he tosses a medicine ball against his garage door!

Jackal: Shut up you furry piece of ^&%*&%!!!

Ferret: Your fat!

Ok fellahs, settle down. Now really Sloth, what have you been doing for your short game?

Sloth: I have been working on more wrist action by lifting my low ball glass to my lips with a little flick of the wrist, much like the French do, or like what you might see at the Rusty Nail on a weekend night.

Has it worked?

Sloth: We’ll see this Saturday.

One more question fellas.

Jackal: I’m outta here.

Panda: Me too.

Ferret: I’m done.

Sloth: Yes, I’ll have another.

Windsong Farm 2010 Invitational

Sixth annual Windsong Farm Invitational ends under a Sienna Sky
June 30, 2010
By F. Joel Goldstrand, Golf Digest
Reporting from his cabin on Lake Norby in Independence, MN

The excitement for this reporter began last February, when the editors of Golf Digest informed me that the magazine was finally granted a long sought and elusive press credential for the annual Windsong Member Guest.

Like Augusta National, who makes changes each year to improve the tournament, Windsong’s tournament committee met in April to determine how to improve this year’s event. The results, where to limit the field to 60 teams and to conduct shot gun starts in order to keep the rounds moving and to promote healthier socializing. On most accounts the committee succeeded with the exception being they need to factor in player personality along with handicaps for future events.

The personality test would not be difficult to administer and could be done quickly and fairly. The requirement for the members for next year’s event could be something along the order of: “If being with my partner for 2 hours makes others long to watch paint dry, then maybe I should invite someone else”.

In order to give you, the reader, a real sense of the intense competition waged over three days on this venerable parcel of land, I decided to follow a couple of teams as they sought the coveted crystal and portrait to be hung in the club house.

After looking at the player roster, it was a no brainer for this reporter to follow the team of Panda and Jackal (yes, they reunited once again) and the team of Mike Walstad and his guest Tom Snyder. In order to get a feel for their games at this time of year I asked for access and was graciously granted the opportunity to follow these guys a week prior to the tournament where I watched them play a Sunday practice round.

As is customary on the PanJack Chronicle, nick names were given to Mike and Tom that we feel best depicts their personal and playing characteristics. To reiterate to the readers, these names are granted by the executive committee of the Chronicle and in a secret meeting with all decisions final with no hope for appeal. There, it is with great pleasure that we re-introduce you readers to our newest cast members:


It is hereby decreed that Mike Walstad, being of sound body and relatively sound mind, shall be known going forward as the LION

One of Windsong’s founding members; the lion is a carnivore (meat eater) and a hunter. It uses its powerful forelegs to hit large and often crooked tee balls. The jaws are strong with long canine teeth that are used to quickly open malted beverage cans when the tab might malfunction. The tongue's upper surface has small bumps on it which enables the lion to hold on to meat while eating and to consume a malted beverage at the same time.

DISTRIBUTION and HABITAT:

Rich grasslands found off the fairways to sands near the green, from the first tee through the 18th, excluding any loose gravel found in the parking lot. They avoid courses with dense forests because finding balls is more difficult.

BEHAVIOR:

Lions are more social than most club members which are usually solitary by nature. They live in prides composed of 3 to 30 individuals, related adult females and their young. Each pride has its own social dominant hierarchy in which the weakest male ranks above all females. There are exceptions where female members of the pride are more dominant than the male and these prides can be found in Minneapolis’ western suburbs.

Resting by the 7th green

DIET:
Adult males consume large quantities of meat and roughly 144 ounces of liquid consisting of a mixture of barley, malt and hops.


It is hereby decreed that Tom Snyder, being of aging, but still willing, body and of relatively sound mind, shall be know going forward as the HYENA.

Physical Characteristics:

Spotted Hyenas (also called Laughing Hyenas) are the largest of the hyenas. They have robust bodies with large heads, powerful jaws, and rounded ears. Their necks are maned, and often sport a flowing pony tail.

DISTRIBUTION:

Spotted Hyenas prefer open grasslands but can be found in densely forested areas. This makes them very adaptable and a frequent guest of private clubs throughout the area.


BEHAVIOR:

Spotted Hyenas are highly adaptable. They are generally nocturnal, and can be found up, past closing time, but are sometimes active during the day. They are both scavengers and fierce hunters as buffet situations demand.

Rarely solitary, they usually live, hunt and eat in groups of as many as 50 individuals and have an uncanny ability to be first in line. They are noisy animals, capable of making a great variety of vocalizations. Blood-curdling laughter usually indicates a successful hunt to the buffet table or a found ball in the fescue.


DIET:
Spotted hyenas will eat almost anything that is comped; they are efficient scavengers of salads, vegetables and fresh meat and an occasional desert.

Searching for Buffet Table

Day 1, June 14th, Practice Round (best ball and skins competition):

Our intrepid foursome played together and teed off at 10:20 AM. This writer could have gone to the club house and written this after the first hole. Both Jackal and Panda laced their drives down the fairway while Lion and Hyena apparently had to take a leak because they promptly hit their drives into their native habitats, where they disappeared for several minutes. As usual the grass land duo extricated themselves and wound up shooting a respectable score.

This dance was repeated throughout the round. Hyena putted like the priest from Caddy Shack, knocking them in from everywhere while Lion played golf from the tees like a new recruit at Fort Ord…right, left, right, left…..

Following his drive on number 7, Jackal approached the Lion with a tissue to wipe away a tear on his cheek and offered a bit of coaching. “Lion, on your back swing try getting into this position (Jackal said demonstrating.) “ “I am not quite sure what you mean old wily one”, said Lion. “Let me see if this helps” said Jackal, “On your back swing, pretend you are holding a tray of beer filled mugs at the top of your swing with your right hand, then just let it go.” “Oh wow man, that makes perfect sense to me now, thanks dude!” Lion went on to stripe his tee shots down the fairway the rest of the round and knew he had found the magic going into the tournament.

Panda and Jackal meanwhile, hit the ball solidly, made the odd mistake and could not make a putt past 5 feet, which would tell their story over the weekend.

Following the round the fellas retreated to the club house for a quick beverage and the Panda and Jackal bid their playing partners good bye so they could go home and rest their respective surgically repaired and old bodies for the upcoming marathon. The Lion and Hyena, meanwhile, decided to play in the nine- hole- scramble later that evening …the boys were obviously putting the throttle down and saw it as a way to continue their hot play and have a few pops in order to prepare for the next morning.

Day 2, Friday June 25th, Opening of the first three matches:

Jackal awoke early in order to go over his strategy book that was provided by the Panda days before. The Panda, in trying to insure success, went over the strategy days before with the Jackal:

1. Stay out of the Fescue
2. Because these are only nine- hole matches, every swing is crucial. Every putt is crucial. Every mistake is devastating!!!!
3. Remember to Relax and have Fun!

Meanwhile, at the course, the Bowery Boys (Lion and Hyena) where nowhere to be seen. Hyena did arrive early enough to warm up but his partner was not in sight. It was learned by this writer that the Fescue Boys stayed at the course until 2 AM the night before and had about four and half hours of sleep between the two of them.

One minute before the tourneys start, the Lion came running up the drive way and dashed into the locker room to dress for the matches.

This writer had to make a decision regarding what team to follow as they were playing in different divisions and starting on opposite ends of the course. I chose to begin my day by following the Lion and Hyena. This exercise became futile as I could not keep track of them as they darted about in different directions to find their tee shots. After losing sight of them in the fescue on the second hole, I peeled off and caught up with Panda and Jackal to see if their channeling of Nicklaus and Hogan was paying dividends.

In their first match of the day the Chronicles Founders were pitted against a member scratch player and his playing partner from Geneva who claimed a nine handicap. Running into a buzz saw would not describe the beating our heroes took. Klaus, the Swiss, who made his money dealing in stolen Nazi art work from WWII, did not miss a shot. After six holes the NINE handicap was gross 1 under and net 5 under. Our heroes did not have a chance and lost 7 to 2, effectively eliminating them from any serious contention.

Reeling from their first match beat- down, Jack and Ben (Panda and Jackal) played their second in a stupor and lost 6 to 3. It must be pointed out that on top of the beatings; our boys were subjected to playing partners with the personalities of a knot on a pine board.

Meanwhile, Lion and Hyena channeled John Daley all morning; grip it and rip it, have a sip of barley malt, make the putt, repeat and found themselves in the hunt in their division.

Panda and Jackal retreated to the club house for THE sandwich (a lovely, cheesy blend of beef and Portobello’s on crusty bread and a cold beer, to re-calibrate their approach. It was decided that ditching Nicklaus and Hogan in favor of Trevino and Zoeller made more sense. Grinding wasn’t working for these two and a lighter looser attitude would be taken back to the course for the rest of the tournament.

In their third match Panda and Jackal came out loose and firing. They jumped on their unsuspecting opponents with great play and even greater one liners to jump to a 3 zip lead before weather forced the boys into the clubhouse for a round ending delay.

Lion and Hyena continued their never boring charge and found themselves battling for the lead as the day came to a close.

That evening the boys killed time during the rain delay. The Lion in conference with his swing coach, Adolf Coors, and the Hyena scouting the layout of the buffet table prior to the kitchen stocking it with goodies.

Panda and Jackal finished their meal and bade good bye to the Lion (still in conference with Adolf) and Hyena, who glanced up from his third helping to grunt, and headed home for rest and reflection.

Day 3 finals, Saturday June 26th:

Starting times were pushed up an hour to 7:30 AM in order to complete the suspended third matches and then continue with the final two. Hyena showed up looking like he had been out all night with Keith Richards and scurried into the club house to shave and splash some Barbasol into his deep crevices. Lion showed up looking quite fresh considering he and Adolf spent another late evening working on his game. Jackal and Panda came with their new found attitudes and strategy and warmed up with a wonderfully spicy Bloody Mary.

Both teams went out and finished off their opponents from the day before. The Panda and Jackal found late redemption and Lion and Hyena positioning themselves for a real run for the Chrystal. The fourth matches found the Panda and Jackal ruining the chances of last year’s defending champs by halving their match and the Lion and Hyena surging into their division lead with one match to go.

In the final matches, Panda and Jackal continued their Martin and Lewis act and beat their opponents by one while the Lion and Hyena hit the wall against very hot team and fell short.

In their final hole and being out of it, Lion went to his pocket while Hyena kept charging with a closing birdie. Thinking he had won an extra ticket for an entrée at the closing dinner, Hyena ran around the green slapping hands ala Hale Irwin at the U.S. Open.


Post Script:
The final shoot out between the division winners was won by a couple of seniors who played from the Sienna Tees. Can someone say Senior Division next year?

It’s Official: Panda Takes the Oath of OMERTA at Windsong:

September 1, 2009

Today, at a private ceremony in the Gimlet Room of Windsong Farms, The Great Panda took the oath of Omerta and pledged his allegiance to his new familia.

According to an anonymous source, who rightfully wants to remain nameless lest he find himself dismembered in the fescue on the 6th fairway, the Panda took his oath in front of the Commission.

Our source told us that Mike Walstad, aka Mikey the Tile Man, aka Mikey Glaze, vouched for the Great Panda.

This reporter had a chance to sit down with the Great One following the ceremony and conduct a brief interview before he went out on the town with the fellas and his new gumar.

F.J: You seem quite pleased that this opportunity has come your way?

TGP: Yes Joel, as you know I grew up in one of the most powerful family’s of the west side and witnessed the good and bad of immense power and wealth. I decided to not trade on my family name and make my own way in life and ….you know….leave that lifestyle behind. After a time however, I realized I missed it so much.

FJ: You mean the excitement or what?

TGP: It’s not really the excitement per say but more a repulsion for playing greens that run less than 10 on the stimp meter and tee boxes that are not level, that sort of thing.

FJ: And the 4 ½ hour rounds?

TGP: Well that goes without saying. Being able to play golf in less than four hours was a big draw as well as not seeing people on the course with tee shirts and cut-offs.

FJ: Will you miss the PanJack Tour?

TGP: Somewhat, but as you know I only played two events this year what with my personal commitments and obligations and the problems with my hip.

FJ: Will you be able to play in some special events with the Tour next year?

TGP: I am hoping my schedule allows. Saturdays will be reserved for the “Family” but I can certainly foresee playing with some “Friends of Ours” during the course of the season.

FJ: I know you have to run, but is there anything you wish to say to your fans on the PanJack Tour?

TGP: It’s been a slice….FuggetAbouttit!!!

PANJACK TOUR ON LIFE SUPPORT....

News Flash!!!!

August 31, 2009

By F. Joel Goldstrand--Golf Ingest

Dateline: Blue Blood Room of Golf House, Fairhills N.J.

While sipping a Banana Daiquiri in the Blue Blood Room (at Golf House) with Sydney Lafoot, following our annual round of golf at The National, I over heard a conversation between Lizbeth Peerpoint and Armand Duke, that will reverberate through the golf world for years to come.

The PanJack Tour. The rouge golfing organization that challenged the very essence of the PGA Tour by bringing competition to the masses of the great unwashed, is taking it's last labored breaths.

This reporter, has heard on very good authority that one of it's founding fathers will be leaving the world of the Public Dog Track and is about to burn the image of a saint in his hands this week at a posh, regularly mowed and groomed golf course on the Northwest part of the metro area.

I approached Lizbeth and Armand, after they had completed their fifth round of Bombay Sapphires, neat with one pickled onion. They both confirmed that a news conference is being scheduled for tomorrow evening that will announce that the Panda will be accepted into the Windsong Family. While his sponsorship has not been confirmed, it is believed to have come from the backing of his brother in law; Mike "how the hell did I hit it way over there?" Walstad, or 'Mikey The Tileman' as he is known on the street.

As we collect more information, we will keep you loyal readers informed.