Classic Qualifying a Struggle with Happy Endings!

Ferret and Sloth qualify easily with Panda and Jackal sweating out score card playoff make the Sweet Sixteen.

By F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest

Saturday the players awoke to a rare sight this spring...sunshine, for the first major of the year; Classic Qualifying. If this day was any indication of the season ahead it's going to be a year full of surprises and unqualified excitement for fans of the Pan Jack Tour.

Making it to the Sweet Sixteen was going to be a tall order this year due to the reduction of handicap allowance, tough pin placements and mother nature bringing on the wind as the day wore on. The team of Ferret and Sloth arrived early to warm up but surprisingly the Sloth didn't hit any warm up balls before his round due to an over consumption of Gin the night before, instead retiring to the green to rediscover his wedge and putter that went missing the week previously. The Ferret joined the Jackal on the practice tee as both wily old veterans sensed they would need to get off to a good start to prop up their slow starting playing partners.

The excitment in the gallery was palpable as the players arrived on the first tee. The ladies in the audience were swooning as if Brad Pitt and George Clooney had touched them as they watched the Sloth and Panda arrive. The Sloth was sporting bare legs on this chilly morning, complete with his goosed bumped alibaster legs framed against epidermal colored shorts. The biggest swoons were saved for the Panda however. The Panda was making his debut on the tour this year and the Great One had transformed his physique over the winter from the once Furry Lump of Goo to a chisled block of washboard abs and rock hard pecs that would make Madonna jealous. The furried maurader of the links also showed up with a blood alchohol content of 0.00% which proved to be a disasterous strategy as the day wore on. More on that later.

The team of Ferret and Sloth's strategy was obvious from the beginning. Wanting to take full advantage of every handicap stroke on the card both decided to come to the course hungry and graze on ham and eggs during their round. The sneaky little Ferret, as usual in these competitions, shows everyone that for fourteen holes he is the equal of any single digit handicapper on the planet by splitting the occassional fairway, hitting greens and deaftly lagging long putts to tap in range. It was needed this day due to his partners propensity to follow a booming drive by strapping on a pair of mittens before leaving another fat wedge short of the putting surface. The Sloth did step up big time when needed however and gave the fans a glimpse that he is to be reconed with as the season goes on. None more important than when the Nervous One as the Ferret is called in the locker room, put up a pair of snowmen followed by a Ferret (9) on number sixteen. Paired for the first time in competiton, this duo showed they can make a run deep into the upcoming tournament. Their confidenced soared as the day wore on and the two were absolutley giddy in the grill room following their one shot victory over the Panda and Jackal with the Ferret announcing that his taco's (paid for by the losing duo) were the finest he ever tasted.

This brings us to the performance of the betting favorites and tour founders the Panda and Jackal. The weazend old man Jackal showed up sporting his cliched Tiger red shirt and police cap in honor of National Law Enforcement Week ready to show off his off- season work with his short game. That and every thing else the Jackal had was needed during the round because his partner was not able to arrive until the 10th tee! Readers, your eyes do not deceive you. The Panda had a front nine that will go down in the books as the greatest display of ROLF ever witnessed by the fans of the Great Furry Beast.

Normally, bringing an entirely new physique to the course as well as surgically altered eyes would normally produce great results for most players, but the Panda decided to further temp the golfing gods. by foregoing any (I repeat...ANY) pre round practice. In addition, the majestic beast decided to alter his time warn pre night routine of a quart of bourbon instead deciding to show up completely free of grain alchohol in his blood stream. This proved to be a deadly combination as his new form produced a much longer back swing and faster hips resulting in high twenty yard sweeping hooks with a rock hard two piece Rock Flite ball designed to go dead straight. In a bit of a panic by the time the group reached number three, his overly active mind (remember the 0.00% blood alchahol) was in a complete state of panic. With his mind in full-go mode the Great One hit a dead shank (yes, you are reading this correctly) off the third tee again putting his partner in a must make situation, one thankfully the Jackal was up to as the day wore on.

By the time the group got to number nine one fan was heard to mutter: "this guy's having more trouble finding the ball with his club face than a virgin unsnapping his first bra."

Thankfully for his team, the Panda found some old magic on the back side and shot a very impressive 39. Still puzzled by the high draw (he even was hitting his pitching wedge with a big sweeper) the great one put his old partner (who had the medical staff outfit him with a back brace during the front nine) on his back the last couple of holes to bring the team in under the cut line and into the Sweet Sixteen.

Normally the testy Jackal would have been whipping his partner verbally or as the Ferret can attest, giving his partner an icy glare, but the Jackal opted for encouragement this time. "What else could I do, said the Jackal. This guy was so F'd up on the front side, Ledbetter, Flick and Harmon couldn't have saved him. The only thing to do was pet his fur (he likes to have his belly rubbed) and hope he could pull himself out of it, which he did thank God."

It all ended great for all as both teams now head to the single elimination round. Both are in the same brackette and could end up playing against each other in the semifinals later this summer.

The Jackal already has a plan if that occurs: "I am using my Marriott points and taking the Panda off site the night before and pouring Beam down his throat until he passes out. If it means a shot in the morning with his eggs the furry beast while be showing up at least 0.08% next time. Oh and I'm feeding him a plate of pasta and a loaf of bread to put a little more bulk on his ass as well."