BREAKING NEWS...
A report has just hit the wire that The Great Panda will be out for at least a week due to a fight with a few gorillas. Apparently The Great Panda was at the zoo visiting his criminal family members and brought along his friend Jim Beam. Zoo officials are saying that The Panda Clan have had a long time beef with the gorillas. It is rumored that The Great Panda took clan money to get his career off the ground and to cover large gambling debts. Zoo officials believe that the clan sent the Panda in to do some "dirty" work as part of his repayment to them. The Panda was seen taunting the gorillas from a cat walk but some how "slipped" into the gorilla pit. An all out brawl ensued and it took 20 zoo officials to get The Great Panda out. The Great Panda only had an eye injury (above picture) from the event but left several gorillas badly bruised and one with a fractured skull. We caught up with head zoo keeper Carl Spackler; "We are still reviewing video tape from the event. Our camera system isn't really step up for something like this so we only have partial shots of the event. At this point it is hard to say how it started and how the Panda even got into the pit. We can see him in action and there is no question that panda's can be aggressive. We will release the tape to the media when we have reached a conclusion from our internal investigation. At this point we are not pressing charges against the Panda but that can change."
We could not catch up to the Panda for comment because he spent the day in the local precinct answering questions. One thing to note is that all the Panda Clan seemed quite happy eating their bamboo later on in the day. Of course, that might not mean a whole lot because they always seem happy when eating bamboo.
More to follow on this developing story
3 comments:
Not since Darth Channey and George Bush's argument of WMD's in Iraq has there been as big a reuse perpatrated on the public!!!
The real story behind the Panda's bruised eye socket has been discovered by tour beat writer, F. Joel Goldstrand Jr.
The Panda it seems was seen partying with John Daley last week in Backwater Creek Arkansas. Both men were engaging in a Whiskey Shot contest that started out innocently enough but turned into an all out brawl when both men decided to take off their shirts and play bare chested on a warm spring evening.
Daly's decision to go sans clothing was born from years of chemical abuse and visions of grandeur. The Panda's decision to follow Big John into the abyss was due to mass qauntities of corn liquour and a desire to show the locals his new more cut abs following weeks of crazed dieting that includes; no fat, high fiber low taste food.
Drinking is still allowed on the Panda's diet but comes with a prohibition of sweet additives thereby nessatating the Panda to consume his energy drinks straight or on the rocks.
Witnesses say a fight ensued between the two when Big John, winner of two major championships, mistook the shirless Panda for one of his female groupies and tried to mount him. The Great Panda was able to fend off his enormous attacker by throwing his new Rock Flite Balls at Johns ankles, thereby bringing him to the ground, but not before Daley was able to land a blow to Panda's eye.
Back at his hotel (The One Night Stand)in downtown Back Water Creek the Panda told F. Joel that he was returning to his home and will begin immediatley working on firming his pecs with some bench presses. "I love this new diet but by sliming my waist to this level I have created a profile a bit like Dolly Parton. I only have myself to blame,if you saw me with out my shirt on you would understand why Big John got confused."
Jackal=A-hole
Due to F. Joel's high journalistic standards it seems as though some of the titillating details of the story have been suppressed. The British tabloids - who are bound by no such standards - are reporting similar accounts of the mêlée with one exception. It seems as though some of the broken blood vessels in the Panda's eye could be due to his reaction upon seeing his attacker closing in. Apparently Daly carries the nickname "Long John" for more than his golf.
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