Friday, May 23, 2008
F. Joel Goldstand-Golf Digest
The PanJack Tour Executive Board announced today that all members of the tour have seen their USGA Handicaps increase this spring. "This development is alarming because with today's competition for the fans disposable income, we are always concerned that we are putting forward the best product possible" said Franklin Sandbagger the III.
The tour's Competition Committee has assembled a noteworthy panel to look into the root causes of this alarming development on the tour and promises swift action if any player(s) is found to be scrapping it around to garner increased 'Net competition' winnings. "There is always the suspicion from the media and public about players being more concerned with Fox Bucks than driving their games to the next level of competition" Sandbagger said. "Have you ever witnessed the cat like grin on the Ferret the week following a 97 when he reaches into the box and pulls out another envelope with $20 in it for some skin he won the previous week?" "This guy makes Tim Herron look like a player only concerned with winning majors!"
This reporter found out from unnamed sources on the board that the two players that are being the most scrutinized are the Panda and Sloth. The confidential source said "This Sloth guy really has heads turning. This is a guy who shows up on tour with an index of 9, while playing less than Bruce Litzkey. You have to have some kind of game to do that, you know? He then proceeds the first three weeks to shoot in the high 80's while demonstrating mitten clad hand touch around the greens. What makes his misadventures with his wedge suspicious however is the consistency and preciseness of his fat shots. After last Saturday's round we went out and measured his divots and compared them to the ball position by rewinding the day's telecast. This guy consistently hit precisely 2 inches behind the ball on every shot. I challenge any high handicapper to that more than once in a hundred tries. This guy is good and we will be keeping our eye on him this summer."
This brings us to the Panda. As Mr. Sandbagger said; "who is he kidding?!" The guy has been tearing up the tour for years playing fat and hungover and we are supposed to believe he has gotten worse by losing a few pounds and showing up on Saturday morning with a full night's sleep and a belly full of ginger ale? common!" "He claims his timing is off due to a large wait reduction, I am not buying it. He would lose more weight taking a dump during the round in previous years than what he has lost on his high fiber, low taste diet. "This guy is bagging and we are on to him" said Sandbagger.
The only player who has gone up in the index that we are not alarmed by is the Jackal. "The guy is older than dirt, what is he now, 72? When told the Jackal is only 54, Sandbagger replied: "54!, shit, it's a wonder he can even walk 18 let alone compete with these young Turks. "Let's give the wizened old veteran a break. He is quickly becoming a ceremonial player that brings the fan's out, so we are going to give the grey beard a pass."
It is going to interesting during the month of June to see if this trend continues and how the tour's executive board might react and what sanctions they are prepared to take. Based on the commentary of board members they will not allow this to go on much longer.
2 comments:
Once again the PanJack Chronicle has proved invaluable to members of the tour. After an alarming wedge display to open the season, the Sloth was left to ponder all aspects of his game right down to his infamous two-towed grip. Upon reading of the video analysis of his divots and their incredible precision, it triggered some thoughts. Maybe all shots around the green should be played like a splash shot out of a bunker.
A splash shot would be a great improvement from afformentioned splat shot.
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