Opening Day on the Pan Jack Tour

F. Joel Goldstrand reporting from Fox Hollow.

Saturday on Mother's Day weekend saw the PanJack Tour back in action for the first time this year in Low Net, battled over the Gold and Back of the famed Fox Hollow Golf Club in St. Michael.

Last years Tour Player of the Year, the Great Panda, went missing. Previous reports allude to the Great Panda sustaining an eye injury while on vaction with his buddy, Long John Daley, in Back Water Creek Arkansas last week. Apparentley the two were playing "escaped convict and warden's wife" when Long John got a bit agressive, causing the Panda to suffer bursted blood vessels in his eye.

The Sloth made his debut on the tour and brought with him a game that will thrill the fans and cause a great race for the money title this year.

The Ferret showed up on the first tee buoyed by a new sponsor, Born Free, that produces baby bottles that are gauranteed not to kill your infant and a long winter and spring of visualizing great golf shots.

The Jackel, just happy to sleep through the night without getting up to piss three times, growled up to the first tee as usual ready to slay the course or hit his opponents with a nine iron.

The day for the intreped threesome was played with out a lot of fanfare or stellar scoring for that matter. Great shots were struck, but the usual horrific plays, the gallery has come to expect, also reared their ugly head throughout the round.

The Ferret, clearly determined to revearse his past performances, showed up with a very well thought out game plan that included leaving the driver in the bag off most of the tees. After his round the Ferret was asked about his new course management strategy that resulted in better scoring and avoiding the big numbers: "When I am dead and gone and my son Henry graduates from High School, I want him to have fond memories of his Dad's record. I am going to be lighting it up this year before I join the Senior tour next year!"

The only glaring mistake the Ferret made in his pre-game prep involved, what else, the famed 6th hole. The old Ferret visualized a three wood off the tee but apparently fell asleep during his winter exercises because he failed to see the shot hitting the fairway. Yes fans, it need not be said, let's just say thank goodness the weather was cool and there were no children on the 6ths picnic area.

The Sloth came out gunning with booming drives and crisp irons. The Sloth's game plan for opening week included leaving his putter and wedge in the trunk of his car. Playing like the great Hogan at the end of his career, the Sloth short game had patrons grabbing for airsick bags and running to the nearest porta potty. The Sloth did manage to score well enough to lead this lame threesome but needed reminding from his veteren playing partners that a net 77 would not earn him any Fox Bucks for his coveted new golf bag. The Ferret whispered to a nearby fan that the Sloth may have to go to Golf Smith and buy a discontinue Arnold Palmer leather one- strap bag before he will win enough to purchase somthing out of the golf shop.

The Jackal, as usual, came out trying new things with his grip etc....... and played more like a Jackalass than the Jackal on the Gold. The old dog got it together on the back nine but fell victim to old age hazy thinking on the 6th and 7th and took double and triple respectivley. Vowing to return to his old style of holding the club and remembering to take his medication before next week, the wiley veteran stated he would be ready for the upcoming Classic.

The threesome staggered off the course and headed for a celebratory lunch and beverage. In honor of the Sloth's debut the boys settled down for some beer and a shot of Jim Beam Black in honor of the missing Panda. On the way out of the club house the Sloth made a brief stop in the ladies room to search for help with his putting but the Ferret and Jackal pulled him out before the Lady Foxes blugened him with tampons.

Based on the opening weekend we can look forward to a very exciting year. Next week the tour tees off for the first major of the year, the Classic Qualifing.