Victory!!!

Sunday 1 June 2008

Fatty Chip-Golf Magazine

This week has been fueled with high gas prices and high tension among tour players. The Great Panda took most of the verbal assault this week with accusations of drug use and whoring himself out to Hollywood. We at the Chronicle have told our in house reporters never, EVER anger The Great Panda for fear of reprisal.

The associated press reporters have and will fear the bite of the angry Panda this week. He may be a cute white and black bear but let's not kid ourselves folks, he is still a bear. With the on slot of vicious reporting this week The Great Panda returned to his den with his tail between his legs. Not since the tour began has this ever happen and folks, we at the Chronicle will try our best to prevent this from happening again. Our advice to the general public is never EVER anger The Great Panda, as he will come at you like the man on the white horse.

Saturday's event was the Ferret challenge and the course was packed with the fans after the press activity. The Panda and Jackal had been in preparations for the event like the D-Day planning committee. We at the Chronicle have never seen two golfers so committed to improving their games. The Golden Bear had this to say about the Jackal/Panda team; "I have never seen so much dedication. This week those two reminded me of myself in my prime. I wouldn't be surprised if this match is over after 10 holes." Jack knows golf and wasn't that far off with his prediction. The Ferret had this to say about his upcoming challenge; "Those idiots don't have a chance. The Panda isn't even here. I bet you that he is still with his buddy Jim Beam and they, with good reason, decide not to show up. We beat up the Panda pretty good in the press this week and frankly I don't think he will show because he is scared"
The Jackal responded to the question about how the day will go; "I have and the Panda has practiced like we are going to play in the Masters. All week long the Panda kept getting beat up and he pushed me to get my game in gear for today's event. I think that we are ready and the Ferret and Sloth have no idea what they are in for."

The Panda wasn't short for words once he arrived; "THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS HOW EARLY THIS TEE TIME IS. WHO IN THE F THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA SHOULD BE SHOT, HANGED, TARED AND FEATHERED, FARTED ON, AND SHOT AGAIN. I was angry about the bad press but this early morning crap has pushed me over the edge. I guarantee victory today.....6:55 ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"

Players had to play the blue tees and for the Ferret and Sloth this was something that they were not accustom to.

Ferret; "I just don't like making the holes that long. At my age I just can't hit it that far and it really puts me at a disadvantage."

Sloth; "I still can't figure out why I am here and what is going on. Someone better do one of two things for me, 1) tell me what the hell is going on, or 2) pour me a scotch."

Maybe someone should have gotten the Sloth that scotch or 6. The front nine looked like a meat packing plant when the players made their way to the 10th hole. There was blood from The Panda taking chunks of flesh from the Sloth/Ferret combo and there was blood and vomit left behind from the Sloth. We are following up on a rumor that the Sloth must have ate something bad the night before because not since the PanJack tour started has a tour player vomited on themselves so many times in nine holes. We heard fans asking if the Sloth had picked up turrets over the winter. The last time we saw play like his was when the special Olympics came to town.

Moving to the back nine the Panda and Jackal were up 3 on the Ferret. With a birdie from the Panda on 10 they moved to plus 4 with no doubt they were going to win. The Panda had this to say; "After my birdie on 10 the match was a joke. We couldn't lose, period. The Jackal hadn't even started to play yet and we had them down 4 with 8 to play. That is when you get the green light to "try" things out when on the course. Going for the green on #2, trying to make a hole in one on #3, and trying to hit the green in 2 from 230 yards in the rough on #4 are what I like to call "trying" things. Sure they were complete retarded moves but the way those tards were playing I had nothing to worry about. I was ham on the front nine and the Jackal was egg on the back. We had them handled when we parked our cars this morning. When you cock off in the press about me and my "drug problem" you are asking for you ass to be handed to you. The Jackal and I just put it on a silver platter."

The Jackal at his press conference discussing the great victory:

AP: "What are your thoughts on the round today?"

Jackal: "I can't believe it. Panda and I worked hard this week to get our games to a place where we could beat these guys. I worked so hard I had to get extra sponge baths this week. I was sure that we would win, but didn't think it would be this easy.

AP: "What did you think about the bad press the Panda was getting this week?"

Jackal: "Sure I felt bad about the Panda getting bad press, but what do you expect when you poke fun at other tour players for 4 years. I don't want to say it, but he kind of had it coming.

AP: "How did you think he was going to play today?"

Jackal: "I knew the furry beast would come through, or at least that is the story I am sticking to."

AP: "What did you think of the way your opponents, the Sloth and Ferret today?"

Jackal: "The Ferret was unbelievable. I haven't seen him play like that since back in '66. He played very well and I am glad that we could beat him. The Sloth played like a cat with tape on his feet, confused and disoriented. I haven't seen the Sloth play this bad in many years. The age thing must be getting to him."

The Sloth and Ferret, or the Ferret, battled back some what on the back nine to 2 down with 2 to play. But, the Jackal and Panda were not going to let things go to the last hole without a decision. With a clutch putt on the 17th hole the Panda sealed the fate of the match.

The Panda and Jackal were excited to celebrate their victory but the Sloth disappeared without signing his score card. The Chronicle will try to catch up with him to get his thoughts about his round. The Ferret had this to say about his partners vanishing act; "What do you mean he isn't here? They have plenty of scotch at the bar, I don't understand. Well isn't that great, I played the best round in years and that chilly dipping fool ran away. I can't wait to have to sit down with the Jackal and the furry beast. Call my stock broker and tell him to buy back that Jim Beam stock."

It was a great event for fans of the PanJack tour this week. The 1st round of the match play Classic starts in two weeks, which is when the Chronicle will be covering the Panda and Jackal's debut. See you all in two weeks, and remember the secret to not chilly dipping is shifting your weight from right to left.