F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest
Saturday on the Pan Jack Tour saw a limited field event with only the Ferret and Jackal teeing it up for the fans. The event was the Four Man Who's Ball Counts. The event should have been named The Four Ass Clowns; Who gets to wear the Red Nose Event. It was a beaufiful day completly ruined by the play of the foursome who were out of any chance of placing in the money by the time they got to the turn.
The Ferret and Jackal were teamed with Ass Clown 1, and Ass Clown 2. The event was played from the blue tees off the orignal back and then the gold. The tees were stretched to the limit which included playing from the deep shute on number 17 from the back side. The wind was blowing briskly and the holes were cut in some nasty spots this week which made for an interesting day.
Ass Clown 2 didn't show up on the first tee so the boys went off as a threesome. AC 2 showed up on the 3rd hole appologizing for getting his tee time wrong then proceeded to tee up on the white tee's. The Jackal corrected AC-2 and play resumed. It must be noted however that AC 2 must have been hard of hearing because on the rest of the front nine he tried teeing up from the whites on 3 other occassions. The Jackal on each occassion corrected AC 2 each time grinding his teeth a bit louder. The Ferret gently stroked the Jackal's fur and reminded him that murdering this idiot would not be worth life in prison.
Ass Clown 1 caused the Jackal additional consternation by walking accross his putting line on three different occasions on the front side alone. The Jackal never said a word to his playing partner because he sensed early that this guy was clueless. The tip off was his 16 handicap and a golf bag that contained only one wood, his driver. The guy carried a two iron for gods sakes.
Oh this was a day ladies and gentlemen, this was a day.
The carnage on the course was to ugly to recount every shot so I will give you readers a sense of the day with some highlights. AC 1 thought his length off the tee and every club in his bag for that matter carried 20 to 40 yards further than they actually did. He would march confidently up the fairway then 30 yards into the rough were he was sure his ball had landed, only to be told by the Ferret or Jackal that they had found it 30 yards back, (you freaking a-hole.) AC-2 has a handicap of 8. In your dreams. If you ever get into a match with this clown go ahead and give him the shots and triple your bet, its the closest thing to gauranteed money you will ever make. This guy is a 14 if there ever was one.
Let's us now turn our attention to the play of the wiley veteran himself. The old dog found his driver today, striping many a fairway. He made the turn with a tidy 40 after starting with a double bogey. After parring number one on the gold the old boy took an 8 on number two after hitting his one errant drive against a lip of the bunker. It took a while to get to the green and by then, his score in tatters his patience worn out by the Ass Clowns, the old boy gave up and slapped it around until he got it to the clubhouse. Always a stand up guy the Jackal gave a terse response to the press and headed for the car. "It's all on me. I have to learn to ignore idiots and just grind away but lord it is hard somtimes."
This brings us to the recap of the Ferret who was working hard to fine tune his game for his and the Sloths first round Classic Match next week. The boys are scheduled to tee off three groups behind the Panda and Jackal but should be in the club house waiting for the fellas if the Ferret does not find somthing this week on the range. If he brings this game to the course next week combined with the Solths recent play the boys might want to wear helmets to stave off the beating they will be taking. Ferret highlights are to numerous to recollect here due to publishing deadlines but there is time for a couple that will sum up his day on the links. Through the 14 hole of the day, the Ferret's game consisted mainly of dead pushes mixed in with his usual stellar lag putting which continuely left his ball several feet short of the hole. After losing 7 golf balls in the first 14 holes the shell shocked Ferret announced to the Jackal on the way up the fairway, "I gotta figure out somthing right now cause I am down to my last ball with 4 to go." The Jackal looked at him in wonder, shook his head and just walked away. At the 15th the Ferret started to hit it straight then said he had figured out what he was doing wrong all day. "I noticed my stance was so wide that I couldn't make a turn through the ball." When asked how he noticed this he replied, "My groin was starting to ache I thought what could be causing this? Maybe it has somthing to do with the fact that I was doing the splits while at address."
The highlight of the Ferrets folly came on number 16 the last par 5 on the gold. While standing in the fairway at about 130 yards laying 4, (with his last ball in play) the Ferret actually picked up a tuft of grass and tossed it into the air to gauge the wind. At the sight of this, the Jackal almost jumped into the pond adjacent to the hole and drowned himself.
The foursome finished up with no one hurting themselves signe the card and left quietly out the back door of the club house.
See you next week folks.
8 comments:
Panda, we couldn't be happier that you won a skin on top of your appearance fee you sell out! The tour needs you due to your drawing power at the gate. We know growing up in Wayzata and suckeling at the Teet of the Rich and Famous and Who's Who of the Republican Party that you feel at home in the comfortable surroundings of a posh private club, but you will never have the unabashed adoration that is laid at your feet by the followers of the PanJack Tour. Come back to those who show you unconditional devotion.
PS: Has anyone heard from the Sloth? Will he need directions to Fox Hollow next week for his Classic Match?
I will return to ass clown golf soon. I 1st need to dirty up my clubs, unshine my claws, put some stetson cologne on, and not comb out my fur so I can fit in again. If you have a couple retarded pills left over please save them for me. I think I forgot how public golfers act and I might need some help.
Get ready for the new driver this week. Mmmmm make ball go farther!
The Sloth is alive and well and anxious to return from his long hiatus. Sorry to hear about the swoon by the Jackal and Ferret.
Agreed...the Ferret's performance on Saturday was abysmal. The only skin witnessed by the crowd were clumps left in the tall grass while he was looking for the 7 seven lost balls he managed over the course of 16 holes...'nuff said.
However, The Wiley One forgot to mention his most impreesive tee shot of the day...he stood on the 16 tee, par 5-7th on the Gold, and ripped his drive down the right side of the fairway, only to come to rest on the front side of the pond. I said to him that I now understood what the Panda was talking about regarding the Classic match the week before.
I think the Ferret needs to take this week to sort out his game. He has often been told by the Jackal to leave this club or that club in his trunk before his round due to the inconsistancy of his play from the previous week. If this were to happen, he may end up on the first tee of his and the Sloth's first round of the Classic with only his bag.
The buzz being heard from insiders is they are confident that the Ferret and Sloth will regroup this week and put on a good show for the fans...somehow...
See you this weekend.
I'm having a hard time with a ripped drive on 7 gold, being in the fairway yet some how being in front of the pond.
A-the fairway is on the right hand side of the fairway
B-the fairway starts on the otherside of the water.
So a drive in the fairway cannot be in front of the pond. Unless he hit his tee ball about 500 yards. Come, come Sloth boy, what is the real story or should we just ask the Jackal.
What say you old man?
Oh Great Panda...the Ferret wrote the comment, not "Sloth Boy".
The faiway on #7 Gold does start before the pond in front of the tee. I am familier with what a fairway is, even though I may not spend much time there. It's on my immediate goal list I review before each round.
I was being facetious about "ripping" his drive. He popped it up short of the water, in the short grass. He even made a comment that he was hitting fairways with regularity that day and that particular drive added to his statistics. It made for a light moment during a long round of golf.
Thank you oh Great Ferret for clearing that up. He was boasting about his driver that day. I guess you two see more of the course than I do. Good luck this weekend. Let me know if you need any tips on mental practicing.
Oh Great One...thank you for the offer, but mental imagery is not and has not been working...maybe I should practice...hmmm...pretty radical change...I'll have to think about it.
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