Tuesday April 17, 2008
By F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest
This past Saturday fans were treated to two different events at the venerable Fox Hollow Golf Links. The main event was the first round of the Classic, a four ball match play single elimination tournament. The undercard was a low net for those not quaifying for the Classic or for those Classic players who's partner could not show up.
The Ferret played in the low net as his two toed playing partner was unable to attend due to an interior decorating showing in Wyzata this past weekend. Fan's were disappointed that the Sloth couldn't be there but were not suprised due to his personal circumstances. As one of the Sloth's, beer bellied, suds sucking, faithful fans in the gallery remarked: "It isn't like it's a news flash that he couldn't play due to a interior decorating show, have you ever seen how tight he wears his pants?" "It doesn't bother us one bit, we like the diversity on the tour" said Kent Bendover.
The Ferret put on quite a show again this week. Hitting rockets off the tea and playing crisp irons he looked like he was headed for another handicap lowering tour around the Fox. Then he stepped up to the tee on number 7 and realized he had somthing special brewing for the day. "I realized if I kept this pace up I might be put into the 7th flight of the Club Championship and realized if I was going to keep my top spot on the money list I had to do somthing and right now." said the Marxian Ferret. He then proceeded to chop his way through the hole and take a 9. "That settled me right down and I knew I could play freely the rest of the day and not worry about my handicap going down." Play solidly he did, posting a tidy 93 instead of the 86 he was headed for. "Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. Don't lose sight of whats important in life, and for me that is aquiring as much clothing with the Fox Hollow logo as I possibly can."
This brings us to the main event of the day, the Classic. It pitted the Panda and Jackal against two ass clowns with a 5 and 8 handicap as the Panda played at scratch. The Jackal got 3 strokes in this match so the boys were giving up a total sum of 5 shot to a very venerable team.
Our two heroes lost 1 up and could never get a lead throughout the day. Panda brought his usual steady play, with booming drives and solid approaches and shot a 76. The old Jackal played his tee ball all day like Winnie Palmer (arnolds non golfing deceased first wife). On several occasions the Jackal barley made it passed the womens tees and showed a nice mix of pop ups, sculls and bannanas that acutally lost yardage as they flew out then arced backward to the right. Even with putting himself in a large hole on every tee, the wiley veteran managed to shoot a 79.
Our boys battled hard and picked each other up on many occassions through out the round but it wasn't meant to be. Ever gracious the Jackal made no exuses and tipped his hat to his opponents. "They played well today. The high handicapper carrying them on the front side and his partner blistering the back. We have nothing to hang our heads about. It happens in match play."
The Panda had a slightly different take on the days events. "We got beat by two ass clowns that played way over their heads. I am tired of these handicap events. A handicap should mean I get to smash my wedge into both your ankles on the first tee, not give you shots you sissy prick!!" And then I have to play with a partner who couldn't hit the ball off the tee. Oh yeah sure he made a slew of pars but this aint the U.S. Freaking Open. With the way that old man hit his irons and putted he should be shooting in the low 70's, what a putz.!" "I apologize if I offended anyone but good god. I have to get my ass up at the butt crack of dawn to come play in this corn field and then give shots away to a couple of nimrods and my partner can't hit past 200 yards off the tee cause his tampon is throwing off his swing mechanics. I am so pissed right now I could actually go eat somthing with 5 grams of fat in it that tasted like food." said the imatiated irratable Panda.
Well readers, there you have it. Another one in the books. Next week we will be reporting on the Ferret and Jackal playing together in the 4 man, who's ball counts. The Panda is playing in a pro-am at Windsong Farms, where they actually cut the grass more than once a week and have sand in the bunkers. As far as the Sloth goes.........oh what's the use.
6 comments:
CHEATERS! CHEATERS! CHEATERS!
Riddle me this:
I can hit my 7-iron pure,
I can hit a putt pure,
Pure, pure is everywhere but here.
Where oh where is it not pure?
If you need a hint ask the Jackal.
Here is The Great Panda tip of the week: Your 7-iron swing is the same as your driver swing. Just cause you tee it up doesn't mean you should slash at it like Freddy Kruger.
THAT, children is what we call a T E A M M A T E.
This guy aint exactly Forrest Gump running back to save Bubba! If he would have been in the movie, he would have been in the Huey and the hell outta there.
Stroke, stroke, stroke
Top, top, top,
Flop, flop, flop
What a game the 3 brothers play
I see no need for F. Joel to speak derogatorily of my partner, T.T. Sloth as he has had legitimate business engagements over this 3 weekend period. He assures me his game will be ready by our Round 1 Classic match and I must believe him. If not, I assure you T.T. can fall back on his skills and techniques of placing the proper crease in a throw pillow and setting out donuts holes and coffee for his guests. Just in case his old fan base jump ship, there are numerous newlyweds in California looking for a good vacation spot.
Regarding the recent attempt at poetry by the Panda (see top top etc): Once again Mrs. Johnson of the Wayzata High English Department, Creative Writing Class, I'm sure is proud.
WOW!
Thank you all for such a thorough recap. I'm sorry I missed such an entertaining day. It sounds like the Panda's first class sportsmanship was on full display. Humble in victory, gracious in defeat. My only question is did the wily ferret end up earning any cash while raising his handicap?
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