Sunday July 27, 2008
By F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest
The Panda, Jackal and Ferret arrived at the first tee at 6:30 AM having awakened only an hour before. The Sloth arrived with sweat on his collar, having arrived at the course at 5AM to warm up by moonlight.
The team of Sloth and Ferret got off to a great start in the opening nine scramble and shot a 5 under with the warmed up sloth blistering the fairways and hitting uncharacteristically crisp wedge shots. Backed by the Ferret's suddenly smooth putting stroke and remarkably quick tempo over the ball, the two looked like they were going to run away with the second flight this year.
They kept up their pace through six holes of alternate shot by picking each other up after a wayward shot and showing remarkable course management such as on the par 5 fourth. Sloth out drove the Ferret by 30 yards but the wily Ferret with his Nicklausian course management talked his non-plussed partner into using his drive and laying up, there by eliminating the necessity for the Sloth to stab at an approach shot with his wedge. The strategy paid dividends as the two took a par net birdie and looked off to the races.
The steady play didn't last long as the dynamic duo struggled on the last three holes of alternate and gave shots back to the field. They regrouped on the final nine four ball but saw their good fortune leave them on the finishing holes as they lost their ham and egg touch and finished the tournament at net +3. The final results have not been posted but it looks like the boys finished out of the money this year.
The Panda and Jackal team started the early morning brimming with confidence based on their his in this tournament but couldn't get anything going on the Scramble and finished the first nine at only net 1 under. Neither player looked like they had ever used a sand wedge in their lives and could not get an approach shot within 20 feet. Trying to make birdie bombs all morning with slower than normal greens had the two vets scratching their heads and talking to themselves. The two warriors fought back on the alternate shot side with a one over and implored each other to take off their face paint and not play like the ass clowns on the final nine four ball.
The Jackal responded by shooting a gross 35 on the final nine with two birdies and the Panda bucked it up and began putting like he had held the club before. The gritty vets finished the day a minus 6 with a 29 on the final leg and looked to cash some money when the results are posted.
Interviewed in the locker room following their long day the Ferret was pleased with his overall ball striking. "I hit it pretty good today and putted like I do in my dreams. My performance gives me confidence heading into our Classic match tomorrow and I am looking forward to the rest of the year and feel I am peaking at the right time for the Club Championship."
The Sloth as usual was conflicted with his play: "I am hitting some really good shots this year but for some reason I am also mixing in shots that look like a 20 handicapper at the most inopportune moments. This wedge play of mine has really got me confused. Like on number 16 (in the four ball) I took three different clubs out to my ball because I just wasn't sure. I know I'm going to hit it from inside 100 like dog shit so I was trying to decide which wedge would get through the type of sod I was going to hit behind my ball on their bounce and loft. God, I've got to get this fixed before the Club Championship in two weeks or I might start using my putter from off the green."
The Jackal was in a better mood at the end of his round but overall not pleased with he and his teammates scoring. We played like ass and were lucky to finish over par. I would love to take more of your questions but I am going to drink now."
The Panda was found taking comfort in his Jim Beam and in no mood to talk. The surly one only had this to say: "I have the touch with my putter of a nun holding a dick. I am so screwed up with the flat stick, I am standing over three footers and planning on where I want to hit my next putt for bogey from. Now get the hell out of the locker room and leave me alone.!"
Next week the tour is off except for the Sloth and Ferret possibly playing in the 3rd round of the Classic. The Club Championship is in two weeks and we will be publishing a daily series the week of the tournament.
7 comments:
I would like to that the Ferret for sharing his 1999 June issue of Golf Digest with me. The article about the nun/dick solution has given me some great ideas.
I'm glad that the Ferret saves every issue!
"nun/dick solution?
Did you read the last post at all? If not, put your focus on the interview with the Panda.
Sorry, but at my age, sleeping through the night without getting up to pee and memory loss are becoming routine.
Are you sure that you are younger than the Jackal? Maybe your mom switched your birth certificates to make you feel better.
I think the big 5-0 (23 days, but who's couning) is looming large for the Ferret while the Jackal is so far past it he has forgotten about it.
Well Jackal acts like he is 12 so I really don't think age is a large factor.
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