Conflict of Interest ends with a Confluence of Indifference!!!

Saturday July 12, 2008

By F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest

The Scot's like to say; "Nae wind, Nae Rain, Nae Golf."

The Panjack Tour likes to say; "If Wind, If Rain, It's Rolf!!"

This intrepid reporter had the pleasure today to arise before dawn for his morning coffee in order to be at his post at the first tee for the start of the Conflict of Interest tournament. Mother nature awoke early as well and great ed the players with a chill in the air and a 15 mile an hour wind that grew to 30 as the day wore on. Wind requires a golfer to strike his ball cleanly and with authority as well as bring steely nerves to the putting surface. The only thing this reporter witnessed all day were clean balls and raw nerves on the putting surfaces.

This one was a beaut folks. The tournament directors specifically targeted this date in July as all the players had ample time through the spring and early summer to hone their games to a fine edge. After witnessing the carnage at the Hollowed Fox, this reporter was only looking for a tall ledge, to jump off that is.

The Panda had been fine tuning his game of late at, the obviously much overrated, private digs of Windsong Farms. Much has been made of course designer Tom Lehman's layout but obviously Sir Tom has not been able to capture the diabolical genius of a Joel Goldstrand green. The Panda spent the better part of his day shakily lurching at his ball with the flat stick at one point causing a youngster in the gallery to upchuck his recently eaten bag of mini donuts. The Panda threw more sixes today than high roller at Cesar's Palace. When asked for a comment after the round the furry, surly beast replied; "I'll have the club sandwich."

The Sloth had sequestered himself away at a cabin up north to once and for all lose his wedge game demons. It was apparent that the little buggers hid in the wheel well of his car and followed him back to town. He hit so many wedge shots into the water that stock in Titleist jumped 10 points on the NASDAQ upon news of a product shortage. After a stellar round in the mid-nineties the sloth, in Mikilsonian fashion told the press that he was dumbfounded as "I hit so many good shots." Good Lord.

The Ferret, well, the Ferret started out like last week, hitting the ball solidly and looking like he had turned the corner after several seasons of struggle. The corner he turned into turned out to be an unfinished road that plummets into a deep ravine. He had been playing so well of late that this reporter feels his three figure score was due to the fact that he has been spending most of his practice time of late making a baby. As you all know that does weaken the legs. The Ferret quickly scurried out of the players locker room and back to his den in the southern suburbs and could not be reached for comment.

The Jackal winner of the event obviously had been spending time working on his game as he showed up sporting an elbow brace sponsored by AARP. The wily one was obviously working on some aspects of his game, namely being more aggressive with his chip shots, as he is getting ready for a State Tournament next weekend. I caught up with him in the players parking lot after the round. "I didn't bring the A game today and was working on some of the shots I will need next week." "I didn't feel I was in any danger today after I saw the Panda putt like he had the D.T.'s, the Sloth wield his wedge like a hoe and the Ferret's legs turn to jelly on the back side." "A win is a win nonetheless, and you know how I like the W's."

The only positive aspect of this day was it ended in plenty of time for the grounds crew to clean up the vomit, blood and debris left by this group, before the afternoon Men's club event.

Next up for the tour is the Combination Tournament in two. This time it's 27 Holes of adventure. Get there early, or better yet fan's, turn off the alarm and crawl back into bed and sleep in.