Friday August 8, 2008
Golf Digest
The Tee Times and Flights are set for this years major.
The Panda has moved from the 3rd Flight to the 1st Flight and will be teeing off on the Backside at 6:55 AM. Congratulations to the Panda for wearing the Big Boy Pants this year.
The Sloth Tees off at 7:04 AM on the Front Side in the 5th Flight.
The Ferret Tees it up at 7:46 AM on the front in the 6th Flight.
The Jackal Tees it up at 8:03 off the Backside in the 3rd Flight.
Our theme on this last day is to get a final quote from each player on the eve of the Championship. Our dogged reporter, F. Joel Goldstrand, goes behind the scenes to each camp to get the official pre tournament statement from the competitors. We hope your enjoyed the five part series this week and the editors look for your feedback.
The Ferret Camp:
“I have read every swing tip article I can get my hands on this week. I have had 4 consecutive nights of great sleep with fantastic dreams, some of which were quite arousing….but I digress. I am ready. I play a practice round this afternoon applying Tom Morris’s course management theories and feel I am ready to get back to the winner’s circle this year. Good luck to the other members of the tour in their respective flights. I am challenging the PanJack tour with this bet: Low Net for the weekend doesn’t have to buy his drinks on Sunday afternoon. Oh by the way, I’ll have a gin and tonic with a twist you bastards!!!”
The Jackal Camp:
“After a full summer of playing, I finally feel like I have a clue. I not only will win my flight but I am going to finish in the top 10 overall this year. Anything less will be bitterly disappointing. I have beaten so many ball this year I have a rash! It’s time for me to step up or shut up, and as you all know shutting up is not an option!! Beam on the rocks for me and make it a double you bastards.”
The Panda Camp:
“I have fixed the holes in the basement sheet rock and have had my putter in my hands this week more than my dick. I am ready. First Flight,? No sweat….I’m ready to finally bring Goldstrand to his knees this weekend. I am bringing back my reliable Srixon driver and Srixon balls. No more Cleveland schmeveland gay sofa size driver for this big bear. This weekend isn’t about distance, its about fairways, greens and putting the damn sphere in the hole!! Jim Beam rocks, neat or just in the bottle, I really don’t give a damn how you give it to me, just bring me another you bastards!!!!!
The Sloth Camp:
We approached the Sloth camp but were repelled at the gate by armed guards. We went back into the adjoining woods and waited for a potential opening if it presented itself. As luck would have it a caravan approached the gate that included; a Shaman, Priest, Rabbi, Minister and a Llama. We got behind the group and tried to sneak by but were spotted and fired upon by the Sloth’s guards. No quote forthcoming you bastards!
4 comments:
F.J. did you think about sneaking on the truck load of Wigi boards? I just heard on Fox News that PETA is going to protest the championship because of all the rabbits the Sloth has killed for their feet. The rumor is he has a coat with a matching crown made of rabbits feet.
As for the Ferret I thought this quote was most suiting for the dreaming golfer: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
And for the Jackal....."Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."
* George Chapman
As usual...wise and timely thoughts from the Panda. As usual: "Panda always make better sense when quoting others than trying to think up original thoughts!"
The Wigi board truck was packed, so we couldn't sneak on. We did try to jump on the back of the truck that was delivering the prayer beads but it was moving to fast.
I do feel bad about all the rabbits. As it turns out the coat is too hot for August and the crown had Titleist on it, so both are out. I have found during practice sessions that a single, well placed rabbit's foot serves a dual purpose - it keeps the posture upright at address and eliminates trips to the porta potty.
A special thanks to F. Joel for this exhaustive and extensive 5 part series.
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