Monday, September 29th, 2008
By O.B. Wright-Golf Magazine
The annual challenge between the young and old took place this past Sunday at the lovely Shamrock Country Club. The now famous Jackal/Panda event brings in fans from all over the world to watch these two battle it out. Players had to play in some interesting weather early Sunday morning. With visiblity at a maximum of 200 yards players had a big challenge of hitting blind shots all day.
The Great Panda showed up before the wiley Jackal inorder to, according to him, “put the old man down”. We caught up to the Panda before the round to see what he had done all week to prepare for this great match up.
“Let’s seeeeee, I did a lot of nothing to prepare. As last years winner and probably this years winner I am confident the Jackal’s old bones can’t keep up. Rumor has it that his spot in the rest home has opened up. The fog and cold will slow down his old brittel bones and muscles. All I have to do today is not make any big numbers.”
The Jackal showed up with time to spare but was notified that he and the Panda needed to get to the 1st right away due to a double booking at the course. Apparently, The Pelosi Tour had booked the entire course a week in advance. We didn’t get conformation on the tournment name but we heard it was the “We don’t have anything else to do invitational”.
With the Jackal and Panda rushed to the 1st tee the players hit their tee balls into a wall of fog and the match began. The Panda had opportunities on 1,2, and 3 to gain an early lead but his fabulous putting didn’t hold up. The Panda went 1 up after 3 holes and up 2 after 6. The Jackal fought back gaining one back on 7 to bring the Panda back on a shot leash.
The Jackal had this to say after the 7th hole; “You really can’t let the Panda run wild in match play. He may be fat and slow but when givin the opportunity he can drink all of your bourbon and eaten all the bamboo while you are in the bathroom. I have learned that once he gets a big lead he is like a giant sack of bricks with his lead.”.
The Jackal spoke too soon as he was down 2 heading down the 10th fairway. The next ensueing holes fans got to see the worst putting by the Jackal since he began the tour in 1929. The Panda didn’t finish off the Jackal, the Jackal stabbed himself with his own fork or putter in this case. The match ended with the Panda up 6 with 5 to play. It was a sad day for the fans because they really wanted to see this match go down to the wire.
The Jackal had this to say about his putting; “I I I I I don’t know what happened. I I I I I I didn’t know what to do.” The Jackal was seen in the club house muttering to himself break, no break, break no , break break break, no break.
The Panda was happy with his win and had this to say; “I wish the Jackal would have played better. I will take the silver platter wins but this one is hard to swallow. Don’t get me wrong I will enjoy the Maker’s Mark to my best ability. I want to thank the fans for coming out and if anyone can help the Jackal find his putter that would be great.”
We will have to wait until next year to see if the Jackal can top The Great Panda.
10 comments:
Yawn...I hope you're not looking for any kind of response from this posting other than...yawn...
Ferret
That is what I felt like on after the 13th hole.
Editors response:
Dear Mr. Ferret,
We at the Chronicle take your feedback seriously as we do all our readers. It is obvious that you were not impressed with the recent article by O.B. Wright. This was a difficult article to write as the competition for the Makers Mark Cup was quite boring. The Jackal came down with a rare case of putting ineptness and virtually handed the Panda 5 holes in a row thereby giving him the championship. The fans in attendence were appalled at the outcome due to the Jackal out playing his furry competitor from tee to green.
Regarding the lack of inspiring writing we must inform you that during the off season, we at the Chronical give young aspiring writers a chance to learn their craft. F. Joel will be taking much of the winter off which gives us, at the Chronical, an opportunity to mentor our young interns. Mr. Wright is one such intern and we hope that you will show patience during this off season because he will be given more assignments as the months progress.
We at the Chronical are ever grateful for your readership and promise nothing but the very best writing now and in the future.
Best Regards,
The Editorial Staff of the Chronical.
To the Editor:
Thank you for your response, but it was not necessarily the writing itself, although now that you mention it...it was the event. The playoff match was merely an attempt to garner attention for two individual golfers. It was akin to the final game of the regular season between the Detroit Tigers and Kansas City Royals...who cares!
I have heard that the draw for the event was free popcorn and a root canal and the popcorn was what was left over from the Panda and Pandress from the night before...husks and old maids.
The other members of the tour do hope that these two fulfilled whatever it was they were hoping for. They could have just exchanged bottles of bourbon and not diluted the reputation of the tour...oh well...yawn...
Ferret
Dear Chronicle,
I, for one, appreciate the efforts of O.B in the reporting of this “match”. In this type of obvious drubbing it is difficult to weave a tale that has any hope of holding the reader’s interest. O.B. went to great lengths to set the stage before the 1st shot was struck. Judicious mention was made of the golf on the front nine while there was still hope that something noteworthy may take place. Reading between the lines, this was a scene that would make one avert their eyes. Many in Mr. Wright’s position would take delight in dragging the reader through the gore that inevitably is present in a 6 and 5 drubbing. I applaud O.B. for showing such restraint. Filling out the balance of the copy with quotes from the competitors is about all that can be done in a situation like this. Well done!
Dan Ling Participle
PS. I’m anxious to find out how The Great Panda will manage to drink only the Maker’s Mark from the RED side of the special Election Edition bottle.
I’m a big fan of the Ferret and certainly appreciate him taking a rookie under his wing this past season, but I would like to take this opportunity to distance myself as far as possible from his last post.
Whatever the intention, I cannot condone the use of the terms “husks and old maids” anywhere in proximity of the mention of the beautiful and long suffering Pandress, or the Jackal’s Strapping Amazonian Temptress.
Further, I am open to all news and updates from the Silly Season and the off season in order to keep current with tour members.
Sloth,
It never crossed my mind that I was referring to the Pandress or Strapping Amazon Temptress with the popcorn comment. I would never, ever infer anything of a negative nature against these two fine women.
Second, after the abuse you have taken this year in the Chronicle, acknowledging that you are hanging on their every word does not endear you to them. The only thing your post accomplishes is having Panda mark it off in his scorebook...afterall, he is The Comment Police.
Ferret
I have not seen such meaness and derition since John McCain greeted the studio audience at last weeks debate!!
The Great Panda's march to the Maker's Mark mountaintop should not be diminished because the Jackal went all MC Escher on the greens. Granted, the writer's telling of the fable was rendered less than compelling as a result his "rare ineptness" and, sure, the redundancy of "next ensuing holes" was a papercut to the hemroids, but Dirk Pitt couldn't have raised this clunker to the level of a Benedryl shooter.
I do like The Jackal's faith in the temporary nature of his putting reflux issues. He clearly knows there'll be another day -- a day when bad strokes on misreads bring different results. (The Tinamaou knows that the term "easy putt" is an oxymoron.) Like Herpes, he'll be back.
Again, the junior scribe, Kimbo Slice or whatever his name is, had nothing to work with, though, one day I believe he too will learn to work esoteric metaphors for aging golfers like "husks and old maids" into a 6/5 win/forfeit story.
Tinamou, The
Dear Tinamou,
It is refreshing to read somthing attached to a Panda post resembling complex sentence structure. His rants remind one of a Sara Palin salilaque. Well done sir and welcome to the PanJack Chronical.
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