Sunday September 14, 2008
By F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest
It is said that in team sports; 'that you are only as good as your weakest link'. So it is in individual athletic endeavors as well. Weather it be a tennis player who struggles to play at the net or the runner who starts fast but has a slow final kick, during the course of a big event or championship competition the link that is bandaged together usually comes unraveled during a critical moment. And so it was Saturday at the venerable Fox Hollow Golf Links, as the PanJack Tour's top players took on the field in the International 2-3-4.
Appropriately, the team of Jackal, Sloth, Ferret and Panda summed up their individual and respective team competition's during this 2008 season in one 4 1/2 hour round on this gray, cool morning that showed them all at their best and worst.
(The Fox, with it's appropriately punched, sanded and furry greens, tormented the players one last time by presenting bumpier than usual surfaces that resulted in inconsistent speeds, breaks that didn't break and slides that slid or didn't based upon no particular rhyme or reason. )
This final day in autumn looked much like the first of spring. "Sandy McWedge Ferret", "Over think rather than just hit the damn Wedge Jackal", "I think I will try to Carve a Wedge Panda" and "What the hell is a Wedge Sloth" assembled as one on the first tee at 8 AM.
This final day, like the first, found the Sloth, Ferret and Jackal on the practice green waiting for their captain, the Panda, to come running minutes before their opening tee time. Right on cue, the boozed breathed Furry Beast came sauntering up, giving his troupes a smart salute as he reeled into the club house to transact his green fee for the day. The Great Beast then secured his clubs into the cart and took his place in the passenger seat and was driven to the first tee by the Jackal, his designated driver for the day.
The team got off to a solid start with the Sloth and Ferret carrying their slow to warm up and slow to sober up partners on the first two holes with net birdies each. The exasperating 3rd hole bit the players once again, as the drop zone and trees came into play. The Panda, on the fringe and still seeing two balls instead of one, thinned his pitch 10 feet past and 2 putted for a bogey that staved off complete disaster for the group.
The team righted the ship on the ensuing holes by ham and egging as a team and continued to pick up strokes on the field. The secret to getting their groove back was rooted in hard learned lessons throughout the year such as:
The Wiley Old Jackal started his day with his usual brain farting by trying to be too precise with his shots, rather than his natural "Key Stone Cop" approach of grab the club and hit it. Once he abandoned Faldo and embraced his inner Zoeller, the Jackel settled down and contributed to the cause.
The Panda, as usual, approached the first tee with the determination of a driver trying to pass a field sobriety test. The great one, forgetting that he had just arose from bed only 30 minutes prior tried to smash his first two drivers of the day and saw them go dead right. Of course he made the observation that his right hip didn't get through the swing but it was obvious that his entire lower body was still numb from the evening before. Once the 'Barrister of Bourbon' slowed his swing down, he resumed hitting his usual laser like bombs down the middle of the fairway.
The Ferret, realizing the season was coming to a close and that he didn't have to worry about posting too many low scores and effecting his ability to amass Fox Bucks came out firing from the first bell with Par net Birdies on the opening holes. During the front nine he did throw in his dumb doubles but hit the shots the team needed to drive them to the lead.
The sloth came out gunning as well and it was clear what his playing strategy was for the day: Hit ONLY full shots. No half, three quarter or touch shots for this warrior. The only time he got into trouble on the opening nine was finding himself near the fringe with his wedge.
The Magnificent Four came into the final six hole count four with what looked like a slight lead. They then went on a tear, gaining three and four shots on the field on every hole. By the time the juggernaut came to the 17th they looked well in command of capturing the title going away.
Then the fun started. The season, summed up for all four of these knuckleheads in two holes. What made the last two holes memorable is that everyone of the four, had their glaring weaknesses exposed.
The 17th:
First let's start with the Wiley OLD Jackal. Remember his penchant for over thinking? Well Einstein did it again. After finding the fairway on the 17th Bad Jackal reared his head. His instinct said to grab the six iron and fire at the flag. Did he grab the club that he had decided upon before his cart came to a stop? NO of course not. He stood over his ball, and decided that a hard seven would leave him below the hole with a good birdie putt. Smooth move Old Timer. Result; three yards short of the green directly on line with the cup; Bogey!
Panda? You guessed it. He found the fairway alright but that's when the Bear Who get's Bored got his brain gears working overtime. Instead of a boring old iron straight at the flag, Captain Carve tried to work the ball into the flag from right to left. You guessed it; shouts of "common wind..." emanated from the great beast. Result; right fringe above the cup; Par.
Ferret brought the whole package in one five minute stretch. Great drive; fairway. Second shot; dead push slice right into a horrible lie that required a pitch shot off dirt, over a large mound to a blind green that ran away from him. Tiger himself would have been thrilled to keep the ball on the green let alone get it reasonably close. Ferret?. Perfect execution. Result... seven feet...three putts... double.
Sloth came to the 17th with a blistering back side going. Tee shot? O.B. right. Three in the fairway. Approach well over the green to the right. Teammates prayed, knowing the King of Grooves would be required to hit a partial wedge over a mound to the green that ran away from him. Panda and Jackal implored him to get enough on the shot, just get it somewhere on or near the green below the hole, Ferret pulled out a rosary and was saying Our Fathers and Hail Marys. The Sloth took the wand back and then de-celled the ball five yards into a grass bunker. Another lovely little two foot chip ensued leaving himself with a third wedge to the green: Result, Quintuple bogey 9.
We now move to the 18th:
Sloth, after carving his name on the 17th at Fox for future generations to come, went out and put up a very nifty birdie three..... Thanks Sloth for the tease.
The Jackal hit the fairway with a very pedestrian drive then found the back fringe where he was able to bunt it in, in two, for a par. Thanks for turning your brain off for a few minutes old timer.
The Panda of course bombed it up to the upper level into the middle of the fairway and had a wedge to the flag. Forgetting again, that he was operating on two hours of sleep and that he is closer to 40 than 20, the great one under clubbed his way to the front fringe. A beautiful lag putt left him with 4 feet. Grabbing the club that makes those watching on T.V. from the heroin withdrawal ward argue that they feel pretty good and should be released, the King of the Flat Stick took his new split handed grip and tapped it two feet towards the hole. One more putt; Bogey.
The Ferret decided that this being the last hole in front of all his fans, decided to show them what has made him the most feared high handicapper this side of the Mojave Desert. Gripping, ripping and slipping his way to two straight tee balls O.B. right and laying five in the fairway, the Ferret gathered himself and hit his sixth to the fringe on the upper shelf. Leaving himself another impossible pitch, the Sandy McWedge deftly chipped his ball to six feet and made the putt. Result; Quad 8.
The total score for the Dream Team was minus 8. This might be good enough for some Fox Bucks and a trip to the course to buy a sleeve of balls, but the boys seemed to have thrown away a huge lead.
The fans were not concerned as the gave their heroes a rousing ovation as they left the 18th and headed to the clubhouse for nourishment and a few beverages.
The players will now scatter to play in various end of the season events to line their pockets with appearance fees, rest during the winter and get ready for the 2009 season.
6 comments:
59 posts and you ass clowns can't make a comment on the last one? OMG! Just because you crapped your pants on the last two holes doesn't mean you don't write a comment.
It was a fun year ladies and I look forward to next year as we have started to "figure" out the fox hollow men's league. I feel as if a monkey has been lifted off my shoulders by not having to play in the gay ass club championship. I will be swilling 12-24 beers that weekend playing in a giantly gay scramble.
I would like to personal thank F.J. for all of his hard work with the fantastic coverage of the Pan Jack tour this year. I know F.J. that not many people or not ALL of the tour players appreciated it. From The Great Panda.....Thank You.
Thank you Panda for your most gracious comments. You can rest assured that I will keep reporting and skewering the elite players until they pry this key board from my cold dead hands!
Always,
F. Joel Goldstrand
Ferret’s spokesman, Flash ‘N Dash, has issued the following statement in response to the flurry of posts and wishes to exonerate his employer’s good name:
"First of all, Ferret would like to apologize for not making a comment as quickly as was expected. By the way, who deemed The Fuzzy One "The Comment Police"? Over the course of the year, he has shown a commitment to be a part of the Chronicle. While he does not choose to write the articles, as to compete with F. Joel would be fruitless, he has taken part with significant and timely entries. He chose not to participate last week as he was deep in mental practice for the final major. He was so close to accomplishing his goal of anchoring the team, his meltdown on the 18th hit him quite hard. He is currently in a 'trance like state' getting ready for this weekends MPGA Combination Tournament with Jackal. He is determined to play his best round of the year and win the 5th Flight with The Wiley One.
The Ferret has always been a supporter and cheerleader for the tour. He was in Panda’s corner at the second major wishing him well in the final group. He was even at the 18th green presenting him with bourbon knowing he had a tough go on #7. To be slandered in the press is obviously Panda’s attempt at lashing out at Ferret for some unknown reason. We can only surmise he is afraid of being forgotten over the winter as no one will have anything to write about his exploits…if he even has exploits…and chooses to take his fears and frustrations out on The Darting One. We sincerely hope he gets the treatment, attention and sour mash needed to calm himself and make it through the winter.
Our comment on the Jackal is we hope he is able to pry himself from the backside of Panda. He has been noticed by most everyone on the tour to have lips the size of Mick Jagger firmly planted on the Fluffy One. Why else would he been seen with such a chubby when Panda pulls his driver from the bag, longing to see him hit within three blades of grass of his intended target.
Regarding Sloth, we believe the Chronicle should cut him some slack. As with John McCain, who cannot send e-mails due to war injuries, we can only presume Sloth has experienced the same fate. With the wedges he has hit and the wrist contortion he has subjected himself to, we are hopeful he will be back for the start of next season.
Ferret does wish to thank the Tour for an outstanding season. Even with his unsteady play, he hopes he has contributed something…a pizza, bourbon…something. To conclude, we wish to thank F. Joel for his contributions and hard work. He has done an outstanding job in his timely and interesting articles and recaps. For this, the Ferret Camp salutes you.”
I too, wish to thank F. Joel for his stewardship of the Chronicle. I was preparing to comment on his most recent journalistic tour de force, but was once again humbled into silence due to the fact that F.J. leaves no shot uncovered and no word unwritten. I was going to ask “how does he do it?”, but the obvious answer is with sleeves rolled up, a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Black by his side, and nothing but hours of free time in front of him. The bigger question is how does the Jackal play anything remotely like a decent game of golf while collecting all of the story details for F. Joel?
The Panda deserves special thanks for his superb efforts as Webmaster for the Chronicle and special effects and graphics coordinator. The Chronicle took a huge step forward late in the spring when the clip art began to flow. Let us also not forget his literary contributions.
Occasionally witty, sporadically lucid, this product of the Wayzata school system provided a valuable service to the readers of the Chronicle, if for no other reason than to elevate F. Joel’s contributions to the level of high art by comparison.
Thanks also to the Ferret who took me under his wing and allowed me to ride his coat tails up the chit leader board throughout the season.
It was an honor to be included on the PanJack Tour this season. Unfortunately, I felt like a rookie and played like a rookie – never stringing together more than a few decent holes in a round and certainly never finding any consistency week over week, with the exception of my legendary wedge play. I am glad we re-negotiated with the Fox for next year. I’m looking forward to giving it another shot.
The Sloth
I guess we have to kick the hornets nest to get some sort of a response.
Gentlemen,
Thank you for your recent comments. I laughed so hard I blew Panda Fur out of my nose.
F. Joel
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