Saturday October 4, 2008
By F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest
The 29th playing of THE ENGLER CUP, played since 1977, with a short hiatus in the early '80's as one of the competitors chased his dreams (or hallucinations) in the mountains of Colorado, was played today on the hallowed links of Fox Hollow.
Jackal, Ferret and Sloth assembled once again for their annual battle that usually brings great shots, great theater with of course the intermittent gagging brought on by the immense pressure of playing for the silver chalice. This year's 27 hole bonanza was no different.
Defending champion Jackal promptly deposited his opening tee shot in the pond on number 10 and started his heroic defense with a triple bogey. Not to be outdone by his senior competitor, Sloth took a double on the par five 2nd hole with wedges better used to shim a door than to hit onto a green. While the two players (who have won more cups combined than the Ferret has years left on this earth) were screwing around, the 'Darting One' was calmly going about his business and mounting a four shot lead heading into the turn. Stripping fairways and hitting lasers to the green, the Ferret was floating on air. During this great run of golf, the Jackal was spitting nails remembering the Ferret's dynamic play two weeks prior in the State Combination and wondering where the hell these shots were then?
As the players turned to the 2nd nine on the Gold, things really started heating up. The Jackal settled into some solid if not spectacular golf and suprisingly drained about a 35 footer for a birdie on number 6. The Sloth heated up as well and played solid golf through the 2nd nine, by avoiding the dreaded partial wedge. The Ferret continued on the Gold with gun's blazing until he got to the par 5 fourth, realized he was kicking some major butt then topped his tee ball into the junk just beyond the ladies tees and stabbed himself with a triple bogey. After giving himself a stern talking to, the Ferret came back with pars and bogeys. The only major hiccup on the remaining holes on the Gold came at the par 3 8th. Both the Ferret and Sloth gift wrapped their Bridgestones into the pond for the Wiley old Jackal who found the green and had a nifty two putt par. As the dogged competitors finished 18 the Jackal held a one shot lead on the Sloth and 3 shot cushion on the ever charging Ferret.
Playing the front side as their last nine, the Jackal began to put his old flabby arms around the trophy and squeeze it to his gray haired chest. Playing Nicklaus golf, (nothing special) he stayed patient and watched as the Ferret and Sloth slowly then not so slowly, began to throw away all the hard work of a long day. The Ferret inexplicably limped out of the gate with three straight double's and took himself out of the championship. The Sloth, battling a balky short game, carded doubles on number two and three. Sensing things getting out of hand, the sloth ripped a drive on number four and went for the green in two with a 4 iron that was pure 'soap on a rope'. Lying in the fringe, 30 feet away from an eagle or a sure birdie, the sloth hit one of his now patented chips and left himself 15 feet short where he missed the birdie and tapped in for a very frustrating par.
The championship was still up for grabs until the 6th and 7th. The 6th (where dreams go to die) grabbed the Sloth for first time this year. Instead of his usual miss left towards the bunkers, the Sloth suffered a petite-mall seizure on his down swing and deposited his tee shot into the picnic area on the right. His ball landed next to the plaque commemorating the Turtle and he carded a quad 8 ending his title run.
The Ferret, out of the title hunt but with a great chance to finish second, put on a clinic at the 7th with an O.B. right and a splashed approach that led to a 9 and the end of a "great what might have been" day.
The six hour marathon ended with the Jackal tapping in for a par and a 6 shot win and defending his title.
This brings the season to a close this year for the Ferret, Jackal and Sloth. They will rest up for a month before beginning their off season workouts as they get ready for next years PanJack Tour and World Golf events.
Next week our readers look forward to a report from the north country as the Panda and his family go after the title of Iron Man at the Pines.
5 comments:
I am so sad that I missed 6's, 7's, 8's, and 9's. Did you all forget your walkers before beinging this round of death? I had to do everything in my power not to throw up. Ferret, oh great Ferret, what happened?? You had them beat and you soiled yourself. Well, you can come back next year and beat those idiots.
Nice going Jackal you will be getting my consulting bill at the end of this month.
If we could roll those numbers in Vegas we would make a million.
Just send the bill to the A.P. department.
Panda, you would have enjoyed a few moments of inspired golf, but did not miss anything that you have not seen all season. There was some drama at times, but in the end, unfortunately, no surprises.
The Ferret ranged from “where has that swing been all year” to “where did that ball go?” The Jackal played steady and old (putting him one up on John McCain the past 2 weeks, who is suddenly looking just old). The Sloth continued to tease with occasional competence only to derail any momentum with a massive brain fart launched alternately from the tee, the wedge or the putter.
Our punishment is to endure another year with the Jackal holding the coveted cup.
I am sleeping with the coveted cup next to my flabby, sweaty abs tonight.
Thank you Sloth for a lovely Champions Dinner and excellently mixed cocktails.
I can't believe you tards try to take that cup back. Wouldn't it be better to go get a new one? I mean you have no idea what the Jackal does with it late at night after 7 to 10 night caps.
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