Sunday May 2, 2009
By: F. Joel Goldstrand - Golf Digest
Wow!! The only way to create more of a stench on a golf course would be to pull your pants down and deficate in the fairway!!! "These Guys are Good?" NO...THESE GUYS STINK!!!!
Breaking from the tours friendly confines (or lack there of) of Fox Hollow, the boys of summer teed it up Saturday at the venerable Baker National Golf Course. Since it's inception, the PanJack Tour has trod the open prairies of Fox Hollow. Complete with it's aircraft carrier sized fairways, gentle sloping greens that run 7 on the stimp meter and no rough or trees to impede their steady march to mediocraty. Responding to their fans desire to see them play on more daring tracks, The Not Ready For Prime Time Tour, had the fellas tee it up at the Growling Acres at Baker.
The sun was out and the wind blowing at the National when the players arrived to showcase their retooled games. Team Jackal and Sloth arrived and proceeded to the practice area to loosen up. Thank god they did. One could only imagine what muscles they may have pulled during a round that saw them swinging the club over 90 times each. The one thing these dumb bells failed to do was to properly identify their balls to each other, later costing them two strokes each and the lead on number three after they inadvertantly hit each others ball. They wound up chasing those two strokes for the rest of the afternoon.
Ferret showed up for a little pre-round warm up as well. It was the only time during the day the darting one was able to swing the club freely without the restriction of tree branches and shrubs grabing at his flailing limbs.
The Great Panda, as usual made his grand enterance as the rest of the field was warming up on the green. Sporting a new custom made cap with Panda emblazoned in various languages and signing his auto biography; How Great Thou Art, the Life and Times of the Great Panda, by the Great Panda, the furry beast hit a few chips and putts and declared himself ready.
To recap this round would be sensless as no human could possibly remember every shot hit by these schmoes. Let's just say it was no walk in the park at the Hallowed Fox. Playing in carts with no one pushing them, these guys still fell behind the group in front by one and a half holes! The tight fairways, fast undulating greens and wicked pin placements on shelves and ridges caused the boys fits all day.
The Jackal hit his driver like John Daley in his prime. Then proceeded to play like Tyne Daley when he got near the green, shooting a crisp 95.
Sloth, was able to find some fairways with his three wood after retireing his discontinued McGregor CLANG driver and as he liked to say (over and over) "I hit it pretty good today, but was just not able to score," as he signed for a 97.
The Panda could never get it going either, but was at least resembling a golfer from tee to green and carded an 84.
Ferret, meanwhile, hit enough recovery shots from the woods to last him an entire summer. That he even found his ball half the time, let alone extricate it from some of his lies was simply amazing.
After suffering through almost five hours of this torture, the fans were treated to what looked like an exciting finish. The teams stood on the tee of number 18 all tied with this burly par four finishing hole sure to produce a winner. They were on the edge of their seats in the grandstand by the 18th green.
With one last opportunity to salvage some excitment, what did these great players produce? 7's . You read it right SEVENS. THEY ALL TOOK SEVENS!!!!!!
As the sun set I looked out over the grounds to the grandstand on eighteen and saw the grounds crew cleaning up the fecal mater left by the patrons.
3 comments:
.......mmmmm....I....well....wow....that was um.....yep.
I think there was a couple quotes missing from the article.
The Ferret said to me, "what do I do now?", after launching a 3 wood into the black hole of a forest at baker national.
I have never, ever heard this one at the fox, but I heard it a several times on Saturday..."how many club lengths do I get for an unplayable?" To top it off I heard this quote from more than one player and more than 3 times during the round.
Also the blow over on the hitting the wrong balls was clearly bias reporting.
It's bad when one person hits the wrong ball, it's bad when two people in the same group hit the wrong ball, but when two people who are partners hit each others ball needs more ink F.J..
It's what cost the Jackal and Sloth the match.
Sleep at night people!
Response from the editors:
Dear reader,
In response to your request for a more literal style of writing in the Chronicle, the editors have made arrangements later this summer to allow our summer interns from Wyzata High School's journalism class the opportunity to pen a more traditional recap of a sporting event.
This will include such comfort items as: the ubiquitous replaying of every shot and events of the day and pages filled with quotes.
We believe that this will bring great comfort to a portion of our readership who obtain there news from such literary giants as the U.S.A. Today and Fox News On-Line.
Oh that is great the hear!
I was getting very confused with CNN and MSNBC reporting only one sided news all the time.
I'm glad that you will have BALANCED reporting this year.
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