Monday July 3rd 2009
Mayo Clinic, Rochester MN
By Peedmi Pants, Golf Magazine
The Great Panda has announced that he can no longer complete the 2009 season. The Great Panda has to step down from the tee due to a condition called "wrinkledfurexia". The Great One has tried to keep this illness quite from the public until now.
We caught up to his personal physician Dr. Finkelputz "Panda is infected with a slow moving form of wrinklefurexia. This disease effects part of the fur that makes it bright and shiny. We have been using a experimental cream on the Great One that has slowed down the wrinkledfurexia but we are now at a point where surgery is the only option. We have to cut open The Panda and get rid of the tumors that cause the wrinkling and dulling of the fur. Once the tumors are removed the Great One should be able to have shiny new fur and play golf again. If all things go well he might be able to get off a round or two in October, otherwise we expect him to be 100% in 2010."
The Panjack tour which has been struggling to maintain some sort of event schedule will have a hard time recovering from the absent Panda. Being one of the largest draws for fans the tour committee is trying to decide whether to cancel the 2009 season all together. We will keep the fans posted on the continuation of the PanJack 2009 season.
2 comments:
I thought the Pandress applied the cream to the Wrinkled Dexia!!!
PanJack Tour??? This man is dillusional. The fans went home months ago due to general apathy.
The Jackal and Ferret have been barnstorming the country with their Two Man Clinic since June. The Tour's Executive Committee contracted with a private investigation firm to discover the where abouts of the Panda and Sloth back on June 15th.
The report they filed with the Tour Board was to remain confidential, but an inside source leaked some of the informtion to the press. According to the report: "the Panda was observed on the evening of June 8th at approximately 2:30 AM alone in his basement manipulating his Wrinkled Dexia while listening to old Chicago CD's. We observed his clubs in the corner of the basement covered in cob webs"...the report goes on.
"The Sloth was spotted by the investigation team around June 16th
at the club repair station at Golf Smith. We were able to get close enough to over hear the conversation between the Sloth and the club repair expert. "I need to get these irons refinshed, can you guys do that kind of work?" "Yes we can make these look like new. Do you want us to remove the pieces of bark from the ferral?" "Yes but only if it doesn't effect the swing weight." said the sloth.
Meanwhile the Ferrat with his trick shot clinic and Jackal barn storm the country keeping the tour alive in hopes of the next batch of players coming up next season.
To the Editors of the Chronicle,
It is with much sadness when we learned of the news of the Panda having to put down the clubs for the remainder of the 2009 season due to his ailing right hip.
It was inevitable however. When one watches video tape over the past few years and sees the Panda hurling his lower body at the ball like Ron Jeremy during a second take, and adding to his violent move, the fact that up until last year his right butt cheek, alone, weighed 175 pounds and you don't have to look far as to why the "Furried Ones" hip gave out.
Perhaps the Great One would have gotten a few more years out of the fragile joint had he dropped Wesson and Hostess as his sponsors years earlier. We can only be left to wonder.
One thing is for sure however, the Panda will be ripping at it again in 2010. Maybe he could ask the doc to put in a locking device to keep him still over the 4 footers next season.
Earnest Breakright
Chairman Pin Placement Committee
PanJack Tour
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