PanJack Chronicle
By F. Joel Goldstrand
Folks, it has been quite some time since this intrepid old
scribe has sat down to a keyboard to convey the veritable smorgasbord of
follies by the intrepid players on the, once proud, PanJack Tour.
While the tour disbanded due to lack of fan interest several
years ago, the boys of summer have moved ahead with their games, goals of
golfing immortality and as ever, their unique approach to this ancient
game.
Since the tour left the wide-open vistas of Fox Hollow the
fellas found a new home at St. Paul’s Highland National. For those of you unfamiliar with the
venerable old links, is was re-designed ten years ago, and provides a fair test
of golf with many trees, some water and most importantly a nod to its heritage
during World War II. It was during the
run-up to the war in Europe that Joint Chief Marshall commissioned the grounds
of Highland for tank training.
In a nod to that historic time, the designers of the course
ensured that the teeing grounds and fairways remained in the same condition as
our brave troops left it, following countless hours of tank tracks grinding on
the soil and troops heaving grenades where now stand putting greens.
This is where our beloved tour has taken their games to new
levels. They play in something called the Bucci Game, where small sums of money
are wagered and where the winning team is crowned by an ancient golf ritual
based upon who has the most sandbaggers in their foursome and how many 4 foot
putts are given. Our men, who try to
adhere to the spirit of the game, tend to come out on the short side of these
so-called competitions.
While our boys avoid major competitions at the club such as
the Club Championship and various big payout tournaments (due to the dubious
scoring and 5 plus hour rounds), they have found other more exhilarating
competitions around the state. They play
in various MPGA tournaments and for the past two years have pointed to the MGA
Team Low Net as their seminal event. The
Team Low Net is played at the Pines and Preserve each Labor Day and the fellas
are making a third try this year to
capture the Crystal.
It is now time to stop stalling and give you readers what
you have been thirsting for; an update on the PanJack players, what has changed
since we last visited them and their plans for the upcoming Championship.
Panda:
Since we last saw the Big Bear much has changed. He is now over 40 and starting to wonder
where the MPGA Seniors is going to be played in 8 years. He has made minor adjustments to his
equipment by adding a 5 Wood and Hybrids and eschewing his beloved 2 and 3
irons. He removed his Srixon
Driver. Yes, that Srixon Driver. The one that flew high and straight and hit
14 out of 14 fairways on a regular basis.
He wanted a different ball flight and more yards. He now has achieved that goal but not before
going through an entire season last year with the wrong set up for his desired
results. He fixed the problem this year
by (actually) reading the 25-page instruction book that came with the club rather
than grabbing his wrench and wildly turning the 75 adjustment points that have
been designed into the weapon.
Beyond equipment the Panda has also fallen in love with the
Data Analytics craze that has gripped every sport since Billy Beane wrote Money
Ball. Using his new-found love of
data, Panda has carefully gone through every hole the team has played in the
last two tournaments and the results are quite simply staggering. Or at least to the Fury One that is. After carefully analyzing the team pairings,
the data shows that the pairings of Jackal-Sloth, Panda-Ferret, Panda-Jackal
and Ferret-Sloth do not give the boys a sporting chance to compete.
Hence, this year, the pairings will be Panda-Sloth and
Ferret Jackal. Some have a different
reasoning for switching the pairings this year.
In the words of the Sloth; “Wow, Panda’s analysis is fascinating. I was quite surprised that the data showed we
played shitty with these pairings. I
feel so dumb. I was judging our performance
on the mere fact that we finished 20 shots out of the money both years.”
With all 75 bolts and screws tightened on his driver and the
confidence in the data, our Panda is ready to attack this year and lead the
team to victory.
Sloth:
Since the Fox Hollow days, much has changed and much
hasn’t. He can be called the Slow-One no
more. His pace of play now is downright
Lanny Wadkins like. The transformation
can be attributed to steady pay and more regular stroke play golf. The Sloth is now a single digit
handicapper. Transforming his game with
new irons, woods, hybrids and wedges. All
of them are Titleist to go along with his Titleist bag and Titleist balls. No, he is not being paid by Titleist. He is only hoping a Titleist rep will spot
him one day and ask him to play in the company scramble. One thing that has not changed, Sloth “Scrambles”
more than a fleet of fighter jets during an air raid.
He has, however added stroke play competition to his
schedule, playing in the MPGA Seniors and this year competing with Highland’s
16-man team. These competitions have
shown the Sloth that results are everything.
Fans no longer hear; “I really caught that on the face” as the orb sails
20 yard left of target. He has become a
green hitting machine and his wedge game has improved considerably since he has
traded his stab and pray stroke around the green with various deftly executed
shots. In a word, the slow one has
become a “playaaaa” and is poised to
join his new partner Panda and bring home the gold.
Jackal:
The Feisty One still has spunk but my god has he gotten
old. Teetering on the edge of “Ceremonial
Golfer” and considering an invitation from Hollis Cavnar to play in a 3M Senior
Tour exhibition, Jackal stills hopes for that magic to hit for one weekend.
What hasn’t changed
is his Palmeresque love of golf clubs.
Since we last saw the Wiley One, he cast off his blades, spent untold
sums on custom irons, cast those aside for a set of Pings, went back to his
custom set and now?............playing blades from the bargain bin at 2nd
Swing…….Whew……..Watching him go through equipment changes is as head-spinning
as trying to keep up with the costume changes at a Lady Gaga concert. Tour members are keeping him away from all
golf publications and have hired armed guards to patrol 2nd Swings
parking lot to keep the old man from making any changes until the season is
over. Good luck fellas.
Ferret:
The Fury One has become a father of two active Ferrets who
enjoy all the activities of youth. As such,
his schedule usually starts in mid-to late June when Little League Baseball
winds down. He coaches and his specialty
is teaching the kids to throw the pea with velocity and a downward sink. This explains his continued malady of
beginning his downswing with a violent jerk, as if trying to blow a fastball by
a hitter on a 3-2 count.
Baseball has had one great impact on the Ferret’s game. He committed to a set of Pings last year and
in doing so, sold off all his clubs in his used equipment room. This has provided him the funds to buy a
family pack of Twins season tickets and made room in the basement for a
rec-room and indoor swimming pool.
His game has stayed consistent. It still has that; don’t leave your seat
because anything can happen, quality to it.
He can out-drive the Panda right down the sprinkler line. Hit a hosel-rocket into a tree. Hit his recovery to 8 feet then three putt
for a six at any moment.
Still a fan favorite he brings that “I got this shot”
attitude no matter the circumstances. If
the PanJack Tour wins the MGA Championship, you can bet the Ferret will be the
Man of the Match.
There you have it dear readers. The boys have been busy and it has been far too
long since we looked in on them. I may
mosey up to Brainerd and file a report.
Stay tuned.
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