Monday April 7, 2008
At 9:45 AM this morning the neighborhood surrounding the 6th fairway at the Fox Hollow Golf Club errupted in wild celebration. Little Jenny Finklestein had been searching the internet for child preditors and ran accross the Golf Channels web page where she saw a brief news flash reporting that the Turtle had announced his withdrawal from the tour this morning. Jenny began screaming and drew the attention of her father who was busy repairing the stucco on the back of the house facing the fairway. When he learned of the news he screamed for the neighbors to turn on the T.V.s to the golf channel. Soon the neighbors were seen gathering by the out of bounds stakes in their back yards and lighting candles while a Mexican Marachi Band showed up from no where to serinade the gathering throng.
Earlier the Turtle held a news confernce with his wife, new baby and the golf shoe rep for Addidas's discontinued, double discounted, last seasons line. The Turtle opened the news conference stating: "I want to thank my fan who supported me these past few years but the result of not playing regularly the last two years has really taken a toll on my body. It's really tough going out there every 6th week and pulling muscles." "I plan on spending more time this summer on my boat and sleeping off a Friday evening of partying with the Panda, rather than trying to get over my hang over by riding in a cart over 18 gruelling holes. I want to thank all of my fans along the 6th and let them know I will honor them this year by taking out a few docks on Lake Minnetonka"!!!
With that the Turtle tearfully hugged his family and left with out taking questions from the lone reporter from the Weekly Reader who was in attendence.
2 comments:
In horor of the Turtle's retirement I will lead tour players in 21 out of bound shots on #6. Players will take an extra ball and hit it as far out of bounds on #6 as possible to remember the Stink Pot Turtle. I will miss the Turtle the most and will make sure my ball clears the houses.
As a final tribute to Turt, once the ball clears the homes, we will: slam our club into the ground; look at each other in amazment wondering how in the world that could have happened as though it was the first time ever; re-tee and swing as hard as we can trying not to hurt ourselves...
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